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I. Adolph Oliver Bush


Truth in Dark Times

During the dark times in your life you will find out who is really there for you, who loves you and who doesn’t. You will find out who will go to bat for you, and who likes you for what you are, and not what you have. You will find out who you can trust and who you can’t trust. You will find out who talks trash and who will tell you the truth even though you may not like it.

Dark times put you in check and will allow you to see who is fake and who is real. This is good because you can identify those who you should not waste your energy on and not let them rent space in your head.

No matter how laid back and cool you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you for no reason, its life. We’re all ugly to someone, fake to someone, stuck-up to someone, ain’t shit to someone, a loser to someone, a bitch to someone but who cares.

Make your money, pay your bills, and take care of your family! Hating on me won’t stop my ATM card from working. Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring and don’t worry about what someone else thinks, if they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal. Nobody can steal my joy, because they didn’t give it to me.

Life is like toilet paper, either you’re on a roll, or you’re taking shit from some asshole.

Semargl

My Spirit Animal Guide is the Simargl. The Simargl or Semargl is either a winged dog or a winged lion (usually a dog). It can be any breed of dog and any breed of lion. But most often he takes on a human shape. Abilities The Simargl can fly, and he is quick and agile. He can control all means of fire (as they are the gods of it) and he is strong and smart. Mythology; The Simargl is from East Slavic mythology, and is the God of physical fire (unlike Svarog who is God of celestial fire), and is depicted as a winged dog or lion. He is said to be the husband of Kupalnica (or Kupalnitsa), goddess of night, from whom he got two children: Kupalo and Kostroma. An idol of the Simargl was presented in the pantheon of Great Prince Vladmir of Kiev. There are images of Simargls on bracelets from the 12th or 13th century.

Divorce Decree

22 Points in our Divorce Agreement from liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, Clinton and Obama supporters, et. al.: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process and what has been found out since, has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is our separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens the peaceniks and war protesters.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks.
–We’ll keep Bill O’ Reilly and Bibles, and give you NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Hollywood .
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U..N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
And finally since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name our pledge of allegiance, our flag and our national anthem.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.

If you can’t stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them!

 

Bernie Sanders Jokes About Topless Protester At Rally

Bernie Sanders joked about a topless protester who had messages written on her body during a radio interview on Tuesday.

Sanders joked that he “was trying very hard to get every detail” of her … on the Arizona radio station KTARafter the show’s host asked if he … No,” he said. … Good. That’s what a reporter should do.” Sanders quickly segued … “No, just kidding,” Sanders said to big laughs, continuing, “No, actually I was trying to focus on a couple of other things.”

Trump eases student loan forgiveness for disabled veterans

President Donald Trump on Wednesday directed the Education Department to more easily forgive the federal student loans owed by veterans with disabilities, making a move Education Secretary Betsy DeVos had resisted for months.

Veterans and other student loan borrowers who are “totally and permanently” disabled are entitled under existing law to have their federal student loans canceled by the Education Department. But they previously had to fill out paperwork to have their loans discharged — a bureaucratic obstacle that veterans’ advocates slammed as too burdensome for many severely disabled veterans.

Trump said he was “taking executive action to ensure that our wounded warriors are not saddled with mountains of student debt,” vowing to “eliminate every penny of federal student loan debt owed by American veterans who are completely and permanently disabled.”

“The debt of these disabled veterans will be entirely erased,” Trump said during remarks at a veterans convention in Louisville, Ky. “It will be gone.”

The move will wipe out “hundreds of millions” in student loan debt owed by more than 25,000 disabled veterans, Trump said. The average amount forgiven would be about $30,000, he said.


The last one gave us men in the women’s bathroom

Obama jointly used his departments of Justice and Education to declare that all learning institutions that take federal funds — from kindergarten through graduate school — must allow students to enjoy the lavatories, locker rooms, showers, other facilities, and sports teams that correspond not to their objective genitalia but to their subjective “gender identity.” According to the DOJ and the DOE: “Gender identify refers to an individual’s internal sense of gender. A person’s gender identity may be different from or the same as the person’s sex defined at birth.”


 

You Decide.

Three Mice

Three mice are in a bar bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “when I see mouse bait, I like to put a pinch between my cheek and gum and get a good high for the day”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.

Second mouse says, “when I see a mousetrap, I take the cheese, catch the bar in my teeth and do twenty reps with the bar”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.

The third mouse drinks his drink, puts the glass on the counter and says “I don’t have time for this shit, I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

Liberal / Conservative / Southerner

Scenario: You’re in your own home with your wife and newborn baby. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife kicks in the door, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? 

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Liberal Answer:

Whats a 45? Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the baby? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Gun have appropriate safety built into it? Why do I have a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading).

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Wife: “Nice grouping, Honey! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

Russian Emergency

Russian President Putin called President Donald Trump with an emergency. “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “It’s my people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!” 

“Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.

“I do need your help” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it,”said Trump.

“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin.

“Yes?”

“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Putin.

“No problem,” replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

Donald hung up and called the President of a condom company. “I need a favor. You’ve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the president of the condom company.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL’ on each one!”

durexx

777 vs 666

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.


As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”. The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.

 


 

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FBI CLINTON FOUNDATION INVESTIGATOR SAL CINCINELLI DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE IN TEXAS

This is very odd. Shooting yourself on a dance floor during a night out. Very strange indeed.

Odd… According to reports FBI agents on site and police instructed witnesses to delete any video and photographs of the event and cleared out the bar. Austin PD was ordered  not to release any details to media and witnesses were told to ‘stay offline’ & ‘keep quiet’ Strange, they have to assemble the “facts” of the story before they report it to the MSM.

At what point is it no longer a coincidence… about 30 “suicides” ago

The 2019 Updated Listing Of The Clinton Dead Pool:

Below is a comprehensive list of 56 mysterious deaths and 2 near-deaths connected to the Clintons that have grave implications:

James McDougal – Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation
Mary Mahoney – A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
Vince Foster – Former white House counselor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
Ron Brown – Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors.
C. Victor Raiser II and Montgomery Raiser, Major players in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
Paul Tulley – Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992… Described by Clinton as a “Dear friend and trusted adviser.”
Ed Willey – Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
Jerry Parks – Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
James Bunch – Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
James Wilson – Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
Kathy Ferguson, ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
Bill Shelton – Arkansas State Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fiancee.
Gandy Baugh – Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
Florence Martin – Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.
Suzanne Cole[B]man[/B] – Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
Paula Grober – Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
Danny Casolaro – Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.
Paul Wilcher – Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno three weeks before his death.
Jon Parnell Walker – Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guarantee scandal.
Barbara Wise – Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.
Charles Meissner – Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.
Dr. Stanley Heard – Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee, died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton’s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.
Barry Seal – Drug running pilot out of Mena, Arkansas, death was no accident.
Johnny Lawhorn Jr. – Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.
Stanley Huggins – Investigated Madison Guarantee. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.
Hershell Friday – Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.
Kevin Ives and Don Henry – Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the two boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.
Keith Coney – Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, July 1988
Keith McM askle – Died stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988
Gregory Collins – Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
Jeff Rhodes – He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.
James Milan – Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to “natural causes.”
Jordan Kettleson – Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.
Richard Winters – A suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. He was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.
Major William S. Barkley Jr. – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Captain Scott J. Reynolds – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Sgt. Brian Hanley – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Sgt. Tim Sabel – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Major General William Robertson – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Col. William Densberger – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Col. Robert Kelly – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Spec. Gary Rhodes – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Steve Willis – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Robert Williams – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Conway LeBleu – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Todd McKeehan – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
John F. Kennedy Jr. – July 16, 1999 JFK Jr. and his wife went down in a still-unresolved and very mysterious plane crash. John was the frontrunner for the NY State Senate seat that ultimately went to…wait for it…Hillary Clinton.
Molly Macauly – World-renowned “space economist” Molly Macauly was brutally murdered in Baltimore park.
John Ashe– The former President of the UN General Assembly was awaiting trial on bribery charges when he turned up dead in June, apparently having crushed his own windpipe while lifting weights in his home.
Victor Thorn -Prominent CLINTON Critic VICTOR THORN Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide On His Birthday
Seth Rich – Still No Clues in Murder of DNC’s Seth Rich, As Conspiracy Theories Thicken
Joe Montano – Filipino American activist and aide to Sen. Kaine, dies at 47
Shawn Lucas – Death of DNC Lawsuit Processor Shawn Lucas Adds to Seth Rich Conspiracy Theories
Klaus Eberwein – Found Dead Before Testifying Against Clinton Foundation in HAITI COVERUP
Peter W. Smith – Man who sought Clinton’s emails from Russian hackers committed suicide
Professor Alan Krueger – Now why would a man who was excited about the upcoming release of his new book suddenly decide to suicide himself? Maybe he looked at his resume and realized he used to work for the Clintons.
HONORABLE MENTION: Jack Burkman investigated the suspicious surroundings of the murder of Seth Rich, and was shot several times but lived. Because of that he absolutely makes the list.
HONORABLE MENTION: Huma Abedin received an honorary listing here because she was smart enough to take 10,000 incriminating emails from Crooked Hillary, and store them in a folder on her laptop. What was the name of that folder? She called it ‘Life Insurance‘, and indeed it was.

 

 

The Mailman

Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

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“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on Maple Street, but he chose to say nothing.

The mailman finished up, left the barbershop and Steve received his haircut. He quickly went home to his wife and told her about the mailman that had slept with every woman on the street except one.

Steve’s wife exclaimed “I bet it’s that stuck up bitch Karen across the street! She’s such a prude!”

One Million Dyslexic’s Have Vowed to Storm Area 15

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ALAN

untie

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa!

If life gives you melons then you’re probably dyslexic!

Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay? He’s still in Daniel!

Did you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic? He walked into a bra?

Did you heard about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They tried to do the 96 positions!

Have you heard about a guy who used to have dyslexia? He now has daily sex instead!

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying “Yo.”

A dyslexic boy who asks his mother for McDonald’s? She said: “You can have one if you can spell it.” The boy replied: “Fine, I’ll have a KFC!”

Two dyslexic guys were riding in a car. One turned to the other and said, “Can you smell petrol?” The other replied, “Don’t be a moron, I can’t even smell my own name!”

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic, insomniac he stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Yo mama so dyslexic, she went into the YMCA thinking it was Macy’s.

My girl friend calls me a god. At first I was pleased, but now I’m not so sure as I remembered she’s dyslexic!

My dyslexic gay friend is so excited for February 14th. He thinks it’s Vaseline Day!

Bluebell Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit.

They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. “Why, we just hired her?” “Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour.” The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” the doctor asked. “To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill’s Boil!”

Texas vs Russia

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The Lone Star Brewery, built in 1884, was the first large mechanized brewery in Texas. Adolphus Busch, (I like that name) of Anheuser-Busch, founded it along with a group of San Antonio businessmen. The castle-like building now houses the San Antonio Museum of Art. Lone Star beer was the company’s main brand.


Dr Pepper is the oldest soft drink in America. Older than Coca-Cola, in fact, by a full year. It was created in 1885 by a pharmacist, Charles Alderton, in Waco, Texas. And its original name was Waco – it was served there at the soda fountain in the drugstore. The drink was an instant hit; customers would sit down on one of those old spinning stools and say, “Shoot me a Waco.”


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tornadoBLANK

 

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An older Texas lady is visiting her granddaughter in New York City. One day she was supposed to meet her in a very lavish shopping center.

She was riding the elevator when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $200 a bottle!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $350 a bottle!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says:

“Broccoli – 2 dollars a pound!”


Archaeologists

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ‘California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’

One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.


A man from California was bragging about California girls. He Said “Dude, you can go to the beach and walk right up to a woman and stick it in.”

A Texan listening to his bold statement replied “In Texas when you see a woman you like you just stick it in and walk right up.”


 

TvsR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Betty Boop & Winnie the Pooh

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars ,the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued – and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


An Oompa Loompa Gone Bad?

No, just the booking photo of a very sunburned man who got pinched in Hammond, Louisiana for investigation of stealing a load of electronics from the Little Rivers United Pentecostal Church.

Brett Gonzales, 22, from Tickfaw, Louisiana, admitted to committing the burglary in early March and gave detectives the location of the loot, which included a 32-inch flat screen television, a DVD player, surround-sound speakers and a portable stereo/ CD player, according to a statement from Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff’s Office.

Gonzalez, was booked on March  15 with “burglary of a religious building” and struck this unforgettable pose for his mugshot. The property was found and returned to the (apparently very rockin’) church.


 

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Seal Team 1776



Betty and Winnie

Best birthday present ever, (almost.)

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: “1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

 

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And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


 

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

But, she doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says —

‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.’