Beer

Beer

A Woman gets out of her Prius, walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy drinking a beer.
Woman: I see you drink beer.
Man: Yup
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay for each beer?
Man: About $5.00 including the tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: Maybe 20 years, I guess.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
So in one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Yup.
Woman: For each year that you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Yup.
Woman: Did you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Ferrari

Featured

Truth in Dark Times

Semargl

During the dark times in your life you will find out who is really there for you, who loves you and who doesn’t. You will find out who will go to bat for you, and who likes you for what you are, and not what you have. You will find out who you can trust and who you can’t trust. You will find out who talks trash and who will tell you the truth even though you may not like it.

Dark times put you in check and will allow you to see who is fake and who is real. This is good because you can identify those who you should not waste your energy on and not let them rent space in your head.

No matter how laid back and cool you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you for no reason, its life. We’re all ugly to someone, fake to someone, stuck-up to someone, ain’t shit to someone, a loser to someone, a bitch to someone but who cares.

Make your money, pay your bills, and take care of your family! Hating on me won’t stop my ATM card from working. Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring and don’t worry about what someone else thinks, if they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal. Nobody can steal my joy, because they didn’t give it to me.

Life is like toilet paper, either you’re on a roll, or you’re taking shit from some asshole.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

 

SturgisGuns

Last weekend I saw something at the Stugis Gun Store that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety …. WAY TOO COOL!

tampon stunner.jpg

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Precious Princess Itchybutt looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Precious (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4″ in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best

I’m sitting there alone, Precious looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it dad,” reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER FUCKING, WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

shocked-man

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The dog was standing over me licking snot from my nose undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the broken computer desk. How did they get there, how did the monitor get under the keyboard??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Numb nuts

Kylie Minogue’s Teddy Bear Photo BANNED From Facebook

A fan gave Kylie Minogue this cuddly teddy bear during a recent performance at London’s G-A-Y nightclub. She showed the bear some love onstage, and a fan posted this photo on Facebook.

But soon the photo was pulled as Facebook’s nudity policy extends to stuffed toys. “We do not allow photos that contain nudity, drug use or violence,” the company said in an email.

Make-up and hair style ………………. $500

New dress for the show ………………$700

Giant stuffed bear ……………………… $300

Not knowing how to hold a bear with a microphone in her hand Priceless!

Miss Kentucky

This picture will stay with her for the rest of her life.

Whoever Designed This Glass Bridge Prank Is A Psychopath

Modern materials engineering allows us to build what looks like precarious glass skywalks perched thousands of feet off the ground. They’re completely safe, but knowing that doesn’t make them any less terrifying to traverse—especially when the glass skywalk you’re on uses transparent LCD screens to make it look like it’s about to shatter and collapse. Glass bridges are scary. Seeing exactly how far you’d fall if the bridge were to break with every step will mess with anyone’s head. Which is why this prank on a glass bridge in China — where cracks are shown spreading across the bridge panels and loud cracking noises play, is something only a psychopath could dream up.