The Squirrel

Victory

I  never dreamed slowly cruising on motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect….

I was on Main Street about a quarter mile east of Downtown Sturgis – a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel and it must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast but there was no time to brake or avoid it — it was that close. I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels I discovered can take care of themselves.

Inches before impact the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Victory Cross Country Tour with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened and at the last possible second he screamed and leaped!

I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for “Banzai!” or maybe “Die you gravy sucking heathen scum!” The leap was nothing short of spectacular…

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 MPH down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing…

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristine kept yards and gone on about his business and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil.

Squirrel-Kong

Some how he caught my gloved finger with one of his little paws and with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handle bars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Victory Cross Country Tour can only have one result.

Torque.

That is what the Victory Cross Country Tour is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Victory Cross Country Tour screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in … well … I just plain screamed.

Now picture a man on the huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 MPH and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebodies tree, house or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle … my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power the the big touring bike.

About this time the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the face shield closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel however. The RPM’s on the Freedom 106 maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 MPH, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little horse.

Finally I got the upper hand … I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked … sort of.

Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

sturgis-pd

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 MPH on one wheel and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live mutant squirrel into your police car.

I heard screams.

This time they weren’t mine…

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back), I really would have. Really … Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back doing a crab walk into some body’s front yard quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver’s seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car … but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle left turn off of Main Street and sedately headed for The Knuckle. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

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