What Did I Do Wrong Officer? Just Keep Your Hands Where I Can See Them, Sir.

Masturbating while driving is rarely a good idea. Dick Johnson found this out the hard way. Johnson’s Johnson caused him to lose his concentration and plow right into a 28 year-old female’s rear end. The woman’s Chevy ‘Asstro’ van will recover from the damage, but it may be driving funny for a few days.

Police were confused when they first arrived on the scene of the accident and began gathering details from both drivers and witnesses. At first, officers thought Johnson had been trying to cook in his car because an embarrassed Johnson admitted he had been “cuffing the carrot,” “doodling his noodle,” “bludgeoning the beefsteak,” and “jerkin’ the gherkin.” An inspection of Johnson’s car turned up no cooking utensils or pickles.

Johnson pleaded that he was just playing his skin flute and his stand-up organ, but no musical instruments were found either.

The woman Johnson hit said he almost ran into her several times before the crash. She later told police:

“The last time she looked over at Mr. Johnson, he had his penis exposed outside of his pants and was physically masturbating.”

Continued questioning led police to cite Johnson for the following violations:

Cruelty to animals – for “choking his chicken,” “flogging his dog,” “pounding the flounder,” “punching the porpoise,” “spanking his monkey,” and “whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel.”

Domestic battery – for “beating the bishop,” “punching the clown,” and “slap-boxing the one-eyed champ.”

Reckless driving (physically distracted by playing games) – for playing “tug-of-war with cyclops,” “hand to gland combat,” “five finger knuckle shuffle,” and “winding the jack in the box.”

Kidnapping – for “holding his sausage hostage.”

Public indecency – because before the crash, the victim had seen Johnson “launching the hand shuttle,” and “measuring for condoms” when she passed his car moments earlier.

After checking Mr. Johnson’s history he was also charged with “aiding and abetting a known felon”

Mr. Johnson finally admitted guilt in the crash and said he didn’t know what came over him. Finally, cops asked Johnson to pull up his pants and he was loaded into the police cruiser. He was being held in jail on $11,200 bond.

This is the second time Johnson has been in trouble for this same behavior, so he will definitely be required to keep his hands at 10 and 6 at all times in the future. Time will tell if Johnson faces extended jail time, is sentenced to any long and hard labor, or just gets a slap on the weiner from the judge.

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