She called the record store after hearing the song to get the name of the record company and she asked, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The man who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”
The man replied, “No, its about average!”
Grass snakes also known as Garter Snakes can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that’s when he shot her.
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the shit.
1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner.”
2nd Hillbilly: “Why is that stupid?”
1st Hillbilly: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!”
1st Hillbilly: “Why is that so stupid?”
2nd Hillbilly: “Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”
3rd Hillbilly : “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!…I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there.”
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: “well what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly: “She ain’t got no pecker!!!”
In a small town in Alabama, Joe Bob decides it’s time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Joe Bob introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it’s time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, “Joe Bob you’ve been such a good customer over the years, I’m going to see to this personally” So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says “Since this is your first time, I’m going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I’m going to give you a manicure.”
Two weeks later, Joe Bob and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, “Well, Billy Bob, don’t you remember me?” “Yes ma’am” the boy stammers, “you’re the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn’t scratch ’em”
Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 58. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Poppin’ as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded”.
Very few people know he had a dark side.
Poppin’ rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he’d rise once again, but he was no tart. Poppin’ Fresh is survived by his first wife Poppie Fresh, and his son, Play Dough, and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
After a base hit he hears the fans roaring “Run….Run!”
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!”
A Closer Look