Sunday

The preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Preacher there has been a terrible misunderstanding, I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.” The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149 https://aherdofturtles.blogspot.com/

God & Jesus smile down upon all of this. Trust me, I saw God on 4 hits!!!

The Art of Living

“Most of what passes for legitimate entertainment is inferior or foolish and only caters to or exploits people’s weaknesses. Avoid being one of the mob who indulges in such pastimes. Your life is too short and you have important things to do. Be discriminating about what images and ideas you permit into your mind. If you yourself don’t choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will, and their motives may not be the highest. It is the easiest thing in the world to slide imperceptibly into vulgarity. But there’s no need for that to happen if you determine not to waste your time and attention on mindless pap.”

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149 Epictetus

Born: 50 AD, Hierapolis, Turkey

Died: 135 AD, Nicopolis, Greece

The 40 Year Old Virgin 

A lady reaches her 40s and is still a maiden since she never met anyone special enough to want to give up her virginity. She decided she didn’t want to die an old maid but also wanted whoever was to be the first to also be a virgin. She knew it would be a difficult task to find a man her age who was still a virgin and her choices may be limited so she decided her best chance was to run classified ads all around the world.

Finally, she receives a response from a man in the deep Outback of Australia. After trading several messages she feels he is telling the truth and arranges to fly him in. They go out on a nice date but during the meal she has second thoughts. How could such a strong, handsome man still be a virgin? But still, she is attracted to him and decides to see where things lead.

Later they went to her apartment for a few drinks. She asked again “Are you sure you have never had a woman?” He said “Ma’am, I swear. I lived my entire life deep in the Outback far from civilization. The nearest ladies were in the town over 250 miles away. So the first time I ever even saw a woman, besides my mother, was when I went there yesterday to get on the plane.”

Satisfied he was being sincere and becoming aroused with thoughts of what was about to finally happen, she decided it was time. She told him that he should go to the bedroom to get ready while she stepped into the bathroom to do the same. As she came back out of the bathroom she saw he had moved the dresser, nightstand and headboard out of the room and was pushing the mattress out into the hall as well.

“What are you doing?” she asked. He replied “Ma’am, I told you I never had a lady before but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, we’re going to need all the room we can get!”…