The Preachers New Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist.
They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, “Fetch the Bible.”
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said “Find Psalms 23”. The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.
That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. finally, one man asked, “Can he do normal dog tricks too?”
“Let’s see” said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded “Heel!” The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher’s forehead, bowed his head and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed “Good grief, we’ve bought a Pentecostal dog!”
Does Jesus Visit Mars?
Aliens came to Earth from Mars and they turned out to be quite friendly. All the countries in the world agreed that they would send the Pope to talk with the alien leaders.
The Pope walked up to the spaceship, greeted by a few aliens, and started conversing.
“I know this question may sound odd,” the pope starts to ask, “but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?”
“Jesus Christ?!?” the alien leader exclaims, “how do we not?! He swings by our planet every two years or so. What an awesome guy!”
“EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO? We’ve still been waiting for his SECOND coming!”
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say “Well, maybe he didn’t like your chocolate.”
The Pope chuckled, while slightly confused. “Forgive me, but what does chocolate have to do with this?”
The aliens responded, “Well when he visits our planet, we give him huge boxes of our finest chocolates… what’d you guys do?”
The Pastor’s Ass
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES … HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day….
The moral of the story is… Being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery … and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life….. Worry only about your OWN ASS, and not someone
else’s … You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
The Ears Have It
Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.
As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.
Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.
A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.
Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”
They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.
The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”
The Pastor’s Lost Cock
A Pastor kept a flock of chickens in a pen near the church. One day his rooster went missing and the Pastor decided he would bring it up at mass the following day.
At the end of mass Pastor asks “Does anyone have a cock?”
All the men raised their hand.
“Sorry I meant has anyone grabbed a cock that isn’t theirs?”
All the women raised their hand.
“No, has anyone seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”
Half the church raised their hand.
“Oh for heaven’s sake Has anyone seen MY cock?”
All the choir boys raised their hand and the Pastor’s wife fainted.