A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Boy: “I’m thirsty. Would you bring me a glass of water?”
Dad: “No. You had your chance. Lights out!”
Boy:” I’m thirsty. Can I have a glass of water?”
Dad: “I told you NO ! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”
Boy: “When you come in to spank me, would you bring me a glass of water?”
So, if walls don’t work then all the prisoners are staying there voluntarily?????
How cold was it?
It was so cold today that Elizabeth Warren got all bundled up and pretended she was an Eskimo.
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and…
Silence followed……………… complete silence………..
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!”
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his speech. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased container. Dozens of celebrities turned
out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Raisins,
Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was
piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered
a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane
Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Ronald McDonald couldn’t make the funeral. He’s in jail on a rape charge for putting his Big Mac into Wendy’s hot&juicy.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyways, my wife’s sister just caught me masturbating.
I think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger:
“You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you cheat on me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “Today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride. I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.
So I took pity on her and let her into the car. In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’. She devoured it in seconds. Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower. While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’. I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’. I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’. The husband took a deep breath and continued, she was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
She took a polaroid picture of herself sucking her new boyfriend’s dick and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, now leave me alone.”
The guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.
So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?