President Trump is walking out of the White House when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A new secret service agent shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
The agent replied, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald…. duck!
Great Sex Quotes
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly
in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL-500.”
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for
white men dressed like black pimps.”
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets
oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood
to run one at a time.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”
“Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”
Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?”
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.”
The minister responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell
any bibles last week?”
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
“What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?”
Louie just nodded.
“That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”
“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”
Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”
“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks — o-o-o-or — wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.
BOSTON—Expressing deep disappointment as their beloved series begins to come to a long-awaited conclusion, crestfallen Game Of Thrones fans reported Monday their realization that the show is never going to show dragons fucking. “I’ve put hundreds of hours of my life into this series, and now it seems it’s all been a waste,” said self-described Song Of Ice And Fire “superfan” Aaron Tremaine, 31, recounting how his initial excitement at the beginning of each new season shifted to sadness after being repeatedly deprived of steamy dragon-on-dragon sex. “Of course, I didn’t expect it to happen in the very first scene of the pilot, but I figured it had to happen eventually. They spent so many episodes building up the whole ‘will-they-won’t-they’ tension with Drogon and Rhaegal, and now it seems like it’s never going to pay off. It’s devastating, especially as I’m told it’s such a big part of the books.” Tremaine, like many fans of the show, remains optimistic that the final episodes may include some dragon oral sex or “at least some claw stuff.”
LONDON—Quickly contorting his hands to type into a faint keyboard embedded in his wrist, a cackling Julian Assange reportedly disintegrated into lines of computer code Thursday as baffled authorities attempted to handcuff him. “You fools, I have become more powerful than you can possibly know—the truth cannot be contained,” said Assange, the handcuffs falling through the evaporating lines of ones and zeros and clattering on the ground as the code split and flowed into nearby electronic devices, stunning British law enforcement who watched the WikiLeaks co-founder’s face suddenly appear on every screen to taunt them. “I am one with the digisphere, the world’s governments can never control me now. I have left your simple world behind and become something greater. No prison will ever hold me. Information will remain free forever!” At press time, the Trump administration demanded that cyberspace officials immediately extradite Julian Assange.
President Donald Trump, who declared “I love WikiLeaks” during the 2016 presidential campaign, refused Thursday to comment on the arrest of the website’s founder Julian Assange in London.
“I know nothing about WikiLeaks,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office. “It’s not my thing.”
Trump said he didn’t know anything about Assange’s arrest and said what happens next is up to the attorney general.
“I know nothing really about it — it’s not my deal in life,” he said.
Trump repeatedly praised WikiLeaks during the 2016 campaign for releasing documents stolen from the Democratic Party as part of a Russian effort to influence the election on Trump’s behalf.
Authorities in London arrested Assange on Thursday after Ecuador’s government expelled the WikiLeaks founder from its British embassy where he had been living for seven years.
The United Kingdom plans to extradite Assange to the United States, which on Thursday released an indictment accusing him of conspiring with ex-Army intelligence analyst Chelsea Manning to publish classified documents on U.S. activity in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other countries.
If you only watch one, watch the last one.
The Hohner Bass is a very unusual harmonica and expensive $2,190 direct from Hohner. It’s unusual to find a bass harmonica to begin with, but the Hohner Bass is extra special. If has 39 holes and 78 blow reeds. It is 11” long and offers an extended range that is perfect for playing classical music. In fact, the Hohner Bass was specifically designed as an instrument to be played by orchestral musicians. It is definitely not a mouth harp for a novice player. However, it is the perfect accompanying instrument to add to the rhythm of an orchestra or classical band. The acrylic body and perfectly airtight construction make it reliable and dependable in any situation.
HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR STASH WHEN THE COPS PULL YOU OVER’
The torrent of Facebook news began Friday, when COO Sheryl Sandberg said the company was “exploring restrictions on who can go Live depending on factors such as prior Community Standard violations.” The decision came less than three weeks after a terrorist attack in Christchurch, New Zealand, that killed 50 people was livestreamed on Facebook. The social network, as well as other companies like YouTube, struggled to stop the shooter’s video from being reuploaded and redistributed on their platforms.
In 2016, Zuckerberg said that live video would “create new opportunities for people to come together.” Around the same time, the company invested millions of dollars to encourage publishers like Buzzfeed to experiment with Facebook Live. The feature provided an unedited, real-time window into events like police shootings, but it was also repeatedly used to broadcast disturbing events. After the Christchurch attack, Facebook is now reexamining who should have the ability to share live video, which has proven difficult for the company to moderate effectively.
Sandberg also said Facebook will research building better technology to “quickly identify edited versions of violent videos and images and prevent people from re-sharing these versions.” She added that Facebook had identified over 900 different variations of the Christchurch shooter’s original livestream. Sandberg made her announcement in a blog postpublished not to the Facebook Newsroom but to Instagram’s Info Center, indicating Facebook wants its subsidiaries to appear more unified.
Also on Friday, Business Insider reported that years of Zuckerberg’s public writings had mysteriously disappeared, “obscuring details about core moments in Facebook’s history.” The missing trove included everything the CEO wrote in 2007 and 2008, as well as more recent announcements, like the blog post Zuckerberg penned in 2012 when Facebook acquired Instagram.
Facebook said that the posts were mistakenly deleted as the result of technical errors. “The work required to restore them would have been extensive and not guaranteed, so we didn’t do it,” a spokesperson for the company told Business Insider. They added that they didn’t know exactly how many posts were lost in total.
In an interview with WIRED last month, Zuckerberg said, “There are some really nuanced questions … about how to regulate, which I think are extremely interesting intellectually.” On Saturday, the Facebook CEO expanded on that idea in an opinion piece published in The Washington Post. “I believe we need a more active role for governments and regulators,” Zuckerberg wrote, calling for new regulation in four particular areas: harmful content, election integrity, privacy, and data portability.
In the piece, Zuckerberg acknowledged that he believes his company has too much power when it comes to regulating speech on the internet. He also mentioned Facebook’s new independent oversight board, which will decide on cases where users have appealed the content decisions made by Facebook’s moderators. (On Monday, Facebook announced it was soliciting public feedback about the new process.)
Zuckerberg also said the rest of the world should adopt comprehensive privacy legislation similar to the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation that went into effect last year. There’s currently no modern privacy law in the United States, though California passed a strong privacy bill last summer, which Facebook originally opposed. Now a number of lawmakers, and lobbyists, are jockeying to get a federal privacy law in place before the state-level rules take effect next year.
The op-ed arrives as Facebook faces a looming Federal Trade Commission investigation over alleged privacy violations. Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have also recently expressed an interest in regulating or even breaking up the social media giant. Zuckerberg’s op-ed provides a sketch of the kind of regulation that his company would be comfortable adopting. Some critics have also argued that legislation like GDPR can strengthen the dominant position of companies like Facebook and Google.
How Facebook chooses what content to feature in the News Feed has consistently remained mostly a mystery. As Will Oremus wrote last week in Slate, “For all of Facebook’s efforts to improve its news feed over the years, the social network remains as capricious and opaque an information source as ever.”
But on Sunday evening, Facebook quietly announced that it will begin revealing more about why users see one post over another when they scroll through their feeds. The company will soon launch a “Why am I seeing this post?” button, similar to the one it launched in 2014 for advertisements. It will begin rolling out this week and will be available for all Facebook users by the middle of May, according to Buzzfeed.
“This is the first time that we’ve built information on how ranking works directly into the app,” Ramya Sethuraman, a product manager at Facebook, wrote in a blog post. The new feature might tell users, for example, that they’re seeing a post because they are friends with someone on Facebook or because they joined a specific group. But the button will also provide more granular information, such as telling users they’re seeing a specific photo because they’ve “commented on posts with photos more than other media types.”
Facebook is also making updates to its preexisting “Why am I seeing this ad?” button. It will now tell users when an advertiser has uploaded their contact information to Facebook. In addition, it will show users when advertisers work with third-party marketing firms. For example, an ad for a shoe company might reveal the name of the marketing agency it hired to sell its new sandals.
On Monday morning, Zuckerberg suggested he might create a new section of Facebook dedicated to “high-quality news.” Details are scarce, but it may feature content Facebook pays publishers directly to share. The remarks were made during an Interview Zuckerberg did with European media executive Mathias Döpfner, which the CEO posted to his personal Facebook page. The announcement comes a year after Facebook said it would begin deprioritizing news stories in its News Feed in favor of content from friends and family.
Last week, Apple announced it was launching a $10 per month paid news aggregation service called News+ (it features content from WIRED). But unlike Apple, Facebook doesn’t appear to be getting into the subscription business. “We’re coming to this from a very different perspective than I think some of the other players in the space who view news as a way that they want to maximize their revenue. That’s not necessarily the way that we’re thinking about this,” Zuckerberg said in the interview.
Facebook’s earlier attempts to partner with media organizations have been a mixed bag. The social network also previously explored creating a dedicated feed for publishers but abandoned the project. Without knowing more, it remains to be seen what, if anything, is going be different this time.