Am Eye See, Kay He Why, Am Oh You As He

never-slow-down-never-grow-old

Just Checking

MMDonald Duck!

President Trump is walking out of the White House when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A new secret service agent shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

The agent replied, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald…. duck!

 

Undress Me With Your Words

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149  CHIEF NOSE WETTER


 


 

Great Sex Quotes

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly
in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL-500.”
Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for
white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets
oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert DeNilo

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood
to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”
Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde


Selling Bibles

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.”

The minister responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell
any bibles last week?”

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

“What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?”

Louie just nodded.

“That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks — o-o-o-or — wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”


I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.


 

 


 

 


 


 

 

 

 

¿Dragons Fucking?

Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking

BOSTON—Expressing deep disappointment as their beloved series begins to come to a long-awaited conclusion, crestfallen Game Of Thrones fans reported Monday their realization that the show is never going to show dragons fucking. “I’ve put hundreds of hours of my life into this series, and now it seems it’s all been a waste,” said self-described Song Of Ice And Fire “superfan” Aaron Tremaine, 31, recounting how his initial excitement at the beginning of each new season shifted to sadness after being repeatedly deprived of steamy dragon-on-dragon sex. “Of course, I didn’t expect it to happen in the very first scene of the pilot, but I figured it had to happen eventually. They spent so many episodes building up the whole ‘will-they-won’t-they’ tension with Drogon and Rhaegal, and now it seems like it’s never going to pay off. It’s devastating, especially as I’m told it’s such a big part of the books.” Tremaine, like many fans of the show, remains optimistic that the final episodes may include some dragon oral sex or “at least some claw stuff.”

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149     The-Onion-581247455f9b58564cb87f03

 

Cackling Julian Assange Disintegrates Into Lines Of Code As Baffled Authorities Attempt To Handcuff Him

LONDON—Quickly contorting his hands to type into a faint keyboard embedded in his wrist, a cackling Julian Assange reportedly disintegrated into lines of computer code Thursday as baffled authorities attempted to handcuff him. “You fools, I have become more powerful than you can possibly know—the truth cannot be contained,” said Assange, the handcuffs falling through the evaporating lines of ones and zeros and clattering on the ground as the code split and flowed into nearby electronic devices, stunning British law enforcement who watched the WikiLeaks co-founder’s face suddenly appear on every screen to taunt them. “I am one with the digisphere, the world’s governments can never control me now. I have left your simple world behind and become something greater. No prison will ever hold me. Information will remain free forever!” At press time, the Trump administration demanded that cyberspace officials immediately extradite Julian Assange.


 

President Donald Trump, who declared “I love WikiLeaks” during the 2016 presidential campaign, refused Thursday to comment on the arrest of the website’s founder Julian Assange in London.

“I know nothing about WikiLeaks,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office. “It’s not my thing.”

Trump said he didn’t know anything about Assange’s arrest and said what happens next is up to the attorney general.

“I know nothing really about it — it’s not my deal in life,” he said.

Trump repeatedly praised WikiLeaks during the 2016 campaign for releasing documents stolen from the Democratic Party as part of a Russian effort to influence the election on Trump’s behalf.

 

Authorities in London arrested Assange on Thursday after Ecuador’s government expelled the WikiLeaks founder from its British embassy where he had been living for seven years.

The United Kingdom plans to extradite Assange to the United States, which on Thursday released an indictment accusing him of conspiring with ex-Army intelligence analyst Chelsea Manning to publish classified documents on U.S. activity in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other countries.

 

Orange Blossom Special

If you only watch one, watch the last one.

I’d prolly kill somebody if I had to watch this type of shit very often.

The Hohner Bass is a very unusual harmonica and expensive $2,190 direct from Hohner. It’s unusual to find a bass harmonica to begin with, but the Hohner Bass is extra special. If has 39 holes and 78 blow reeds. It is 11” long and offers an extended range that is perfect for playing classical music. In fact, the Hohner Bass was specifically designed as an instrument to be played by orchestral musicians. It is definitely not a mouth harp for a novice player. However, it is the perfect accompanying instrument to add to the rhythm of an orchestra or classical band. The acrylic body and perfectly airtight construction make it reliable and dependable in any situation.

 

FACEBOOK HAD AN INCREDIBLY BUSY WEEKEND

DANIEL BISKUP/LAIF/REDUX
WHILE MILLIONS OF Americans were enjoying a warm spring weekend, Facebook employees were hard at work responding to an avalanche of news about their company. After an already busy week for the social media platform—including a lawsuit from the Department of Housing and Urban Development, as well as a policy change regarding white nationalist and separationist content—five major Facebook stories broke over the last few days, including a Washington Post op-ed in which CEO Mark Zuckerberg calls for the social network to be regulated. Here’s what you need to know to get caught up.

Facebook Explores Restricting Who Can Livestream

The torrent of Facebook news began Friday, when COO Sheryl Sandberg said the company was “exploring restrictions on who can go Live depending on factors such as prior Community Standard violations.” The decision came less than three weeks after a terrorist attack in Christchurch, New Zealand, that killed 50 people was livestreamed on Facebook. The social network, as well as other companies like YouTube, struggled to stop the shooter’s video from being reuploaded and redistributed on their platforms.

In 2016, Zuckerberg said that live video would “create new opportunities for people to come together.” Around the same time, the company invested millions of dollars to encourage publishers like Buzzfeed to experiment with Facebook Live. The feature provided an unedited, real-time window into events like police shootings, but it was also repeatedly used to broadcast disturbing events. After the Christchurch attack, Facebook is now reexamining who should have the ability to share live video, which has proven difficult for the company to moderate effectively.

Sandberg also said Facebook will research building better technology to “quickly identify edited versions of violent videos and images and prevent people from re-sharing these versions.” She added that Facebook had identified over 900 different variations of the Christchurch shooter’s original livestream. Sandberg made her announcement in a blog postpublished not to the Facebook Newsroom but to Instagram’s Info Center, indicating Facebook wants its subsidiaries to appear more unified.

Old Zuckerberg Blog Posts Disappear

Also on Friday, Business Insider reported that years of Zuckerberg’s public writings had mysteriously disappeared, “obscuring details about core moments in Facebook’s history.” The missing trove included everything the CEO wrote in 2007 and 2008, as well as more recent announcements, like the blog post Zuckerberg penned in 2012 when Facebook acquired Instagram.

Facebook said that the posts were mistakenly deleted as the result of technical errors. “The work required to restore them would have been extensive and not guaranteed, so we didn’t do it,” a spokesperson for the company told Business Insider. They added that they didn’t know exactly how many posts were lost in total.

Zuckerberg Calls for Regulation in Four Areas

In an interview with WIRED last month, Zuckerberg said, “There are some really nuanced questions … about how to regulate, which I think are extremely interesting intellectually.” On Saturday, the Facebook CEO expanded on that idea in an opinion piece published in The Washington Post. “I believe we need a more active role for governments and regulators,” Zuckerberg wrote, calling for new regulation in four particular areas: harmful content, election integrity, privacy, and data portability.

In the piece, Zuckerberg acknowledged that he believes his company has too much power when it comes to regulating speech on the internet. He also mentioned Facebook’s new independent oversight board, which will decide on cases where users have appealed the content decisions made by Facebook’s moderators. (On Monday, Facebook announced it was soliciting public feedback about the new process.)

Zuckerberg also said the rest of the world should adopt comprehensive privacy legislation similar to the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation that went into effect last year. There’s currently no modern privacy law in the United States, though California passed a strong privacy bill last summer, which Facebook originally opposed. Now a number of lawmakers, and lobbyists, are jockeying to get a federal privacy law in place before the state-level rules take effect next year.

The op-ed arrives as Facebook faces a looming Federal Trade Commission investigation over alleged privacy violations. Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have also recently expressed an interest in regulating or even breaking up the social media giant. Zuckerberg’s op-ed provides a sketch of the kind of regulation that his company would be comfortable adopting. Some critics have also argued that legislation like GDPR can strengthen the dominant position of companies like Facebook and Google.

Facebook Opens Up About How News Feed Works

How Facebook chooses what content to feature in the News Feed has consistently remained mostly a mystery. As Will Oremus wrote last week in Slate, “For all of Facebook’s efforts to improve its news feed over the years, the social network remains as capricious and opaque an information source as ever.”

But on Sunday evening, Facebook quietly announced that it will begin revealing more about why users see one post over another when they scroll through their feeds. The company will soon launch a “Why am I seeing this post?” button, similar to the one it launched in 2014 for advertisements. It will begin rolling out this week and will be available for all Facebook users by the middle of May, according to Buzzfeed.

“This is the first time that we’ve built information on how ranking works directly into the app,” Ramya Sethuraman, a product manager at Facebook, wrote in a blog post. The new feature might tell users, for example, that they’re seeing a post because they are friends with someone on Facebook or because they joined a specific group. But the button will also provide more granular information, such as telling users they’re seeing a specific photo because they’ve “commented on posts with photos more than other media types.”

Facebook is also making updates to its preexisting “Why am I seeing this ad?” button. It will now tell users when an advertiser has uploaded their contact information to Facebook. In addition, it will show users when advertisers work with third-party marketing firms. For example, an ad for a shoe company might reveal the name of the marketing agency it hired to sell its new sandals.

Pivot to Paying Publishers?

On Monday morning, Zuckerberg suggested he might create a new section of Facebook dedicated to “high-quality news.” Details are scarce, but it may feature content Facebook pays publishers directly to share. The remarks were made during an Interview Zuckerberg did with European media executive Mathias Döpfner, which the CEO posted to his personal Facebook page. The announcement comes a year after Facebook said it would begin deprioritizing news stories in its News Feed in favor of content from friends and family.

Last week, Apple announced it was launching a $10 per month paid news aggregation service called News+ (it features content from WIRED). But unlike Apple, Facebook doesn’t appear to be getting into the subscription business. “We’re coming to this from a very different perspective than I think some of the other players in the space who view news as a way that they want to maximize their revenue. That’s not necessarily the way that we’re thinking about this,” Zuckerberg said in the interview.

Facebook’s earlier attempts to partner with media organizations have been a mixed bag. The social network also previously explored creating a dedicated feed for publishers but abandoned the project. Without knowing more, it remains to be seen what, if anything, is going be different this time.

 

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149     LOUISE MATSAKIS @ Wired dot com

John Lester throws a 109.3 mph fastball 4.2 mph faster than Aroldis Chapmans 105.1 mph and signs contract with Texas Rangers

Taco Bell Buys the Liberty Bell

tacobell


 

 

Planetary Alignment Will Decrease Gravity

During an early-morning interview on CNN, astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson announced that at 4:20 PM pacific time a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event is going to occur. Pluto will pass behind Jupiter, and this planetary alignment will temporarily counteract and lessen the Earth’s own gravity. Tyson said that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment the alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. Tyson explained a scientific theory that a rare alignment of the planets could cause massive earthquakes and the destruction of Los Angeles in 2019.


 

Aftenposten, Norway’s largest newspaper, announced that the government-owned Wine Monopoly (Vinmonopolet) had received a large shipment of wine in barrels, but it had run out of bottles. To get rid of the extra wine, the stores were running a one-day bargain sale, offering wine at 75% off and tax-free. The catch, buyers had to bring their own containers to put the wine in. “Buckets, pitchers, and the like” were recommended. When the Vinmonopolets opened at 10 a.m., Norwegian wine lovers rushed to line up, forming long queues that stretched around the block.


 


 

Drunk Driving on the Internet

An article by John Dvorak in the April PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or even to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was numbered 040119 and the contact person was listed as Candace Lightner. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because “Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?” Lightner explained that the bill had come about because the Internet was often referred to as an “Information Highway.” She noted that, “Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is.”


 

Flying Penguins


 

The Danish Currency Exchange

National Bank of Denmark had issued a 20-kroner banknote featuring a picture of two sparrows. Curiously, one of the sparrows appears to be one-legged. The bills with one-legged birds were actually fake, but that they can be exchanged at the post office for genuine bills depicting two-legged birds. The paper showed a picture of an authentic bill. Lines at post offices became so long, with people eager to exchange their money that post office employees had to put notices on the doors explaining that they had run out of genuine bills.


 


 

Atmospheric Energy Harnessed

Headlined at the top of the front page of the New York Times is an article about a terrifying new weapon recently invented by a South Korean scientist, Man-Ujeol. It is capable of “harnessing the latent energy of the atmosphere,” and thereby hurling objects of any weight almost unlimited distances. Kim Jong-un said he is committed to using the invention for peaceful purposes, although the possession of such a weapon was bound to give it military superiority over all other nations.


Gmail Motion

Google has announced the introduction of Gmail Motion, a new technology that will allow people to write emails using only hand gestures. Gmail Motion, the company explained, uses a computer’s webcam and a “spatial tracking algorithm” to track a person’s gestures and translate them into words and commands. For instance, a person could ‘open’ a message’ by making a motion with their hands as if opening an envelope. Or they could ‘reply’ to a message by pointing backward over their shoulder. Programmers have demonstrated that it is possible to create a working, gesture-based email system like Gmail Motion using existing, off-the-shelf technology.


John Lester signs contract with Texas Rangers

The April 2019 issue of Sports Illustrated reveals that the Texas Rangers have recruited a rookie pitcher named John Lester who can throw a baseball at 109.3 mph — 4.5 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Lester has never played baseball before, but he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery. Rangers fans couldn’t believe their good luck in signing John Lester.

He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent lifestyle, seriously deciding about yoga & a future in baseball.”


 


 

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149  

All of the above posts are April fools pranks taken from the Museum of Hoaxes April fools archives. The following is the best April fools prank I’ve ever got caught with.

About 45 years ago I was in a small Texas neighborhood bar on April first. This really hot waitress got up on the bar and announced a sexiest chest contest. She had us line up at the bar and told us not to take our shirts off. She started walking down the bar reaching into our shirts, I was about halfway down the bar and when she go to me she put her hand down my shirt and grabbed my nipple which immediately got hard enough to cut diamonds, She stood up on the bar and shouted “Winner” and gave me a free longneck bottle of Lone Star beer, she didn’t even check out the rest of guys.

About 45 minutes  later she announces a beer drinking contest and everybody raised hell hollerin’ “I’m In” “Pick Me”… I was the first one she chose and she only chose six of us. We lined up at the bar and she comes out with six plastic baby bottles full of root beer. She said “you can’t bite the nipple and you can’t take the top off. She didn’t say anything about shaking the bottle so I shook mine up and the root beer started squirting into my mouth pretty fast and when it slowed down I started squeezing my bottle I got it emptied pretty quick and won another longneck bottle of Lone Star, third from the left below.

 

I won one more contest that night, but I aint tellin’.