Ten funny things that happen to your body when you get old
Because the internet may linger many, many years, there’s an excellent chance that as you are reading this, I will be busy decomposing somewhere in a shallow grave dug by Joe Alwyn. Needless to say, I hope that’s not the case, and I have made the following four-part plan to avoid it.
Step one: maintain a sensible diet, get plenty of rest and exercise, avoid stress.
Step two: use all my financial resources to purchase replacement body parts as soon as the originals begin to sputter.
Step three: continue to swap out organs until the arrival of the Singularity, whereupon I will discard my Bondo body and upload my psyche into the cloud.
Step four: become a mischievous cyber-ghost who zooms around the internet until technology allows me to download myself into a robot body with working genitals, tastebuds, 6 pack abs, x-ray vision and the ability to fly, live underwater and in outer space. At which point, having made myself essentially immortal and indestructible, I will spend eternity exploring the universe and playing with my titanium penis.
- Don’t lurk around web sites where people comment about your work unless you’re drunk.
- Don’t use emoticons. You’re too old to communicate like a twelve-year old girl.
- Don’t forget that you are living in a culture that went stark raving mad on November 8, 2016, adjust your thinking accordingly.
- Don’t eat anything bigger than your head. True in the sixties, true today.
- Don’t believe that crap that you’re as young as you feel. Your feelings lie.
- Don’t hug men while shaking their hand. Enough already with that. The shake/hug (shug?) is probably something Roman guys did when their empire was in decline.
I’m thinking of running for Chief of Police of Sturgis South Dakota. I have no qualifications but perhaps I could use that as an asset. (In a debate I could say that as far as law enforcement is concerned, I have an unblemished record.) And I could add levity to the proceedings. Maybe run on a platform that emphasizes the need for heavily armed robot cops. My campaign slogan would be, “Robots With Guns! What Could Go Wrong?”
I’m also mulling the Supreme Court seat soon to be opened. Again, I think my complete lack of experience is a selling point. I’m also a big fan of incompetent government, as the overly organized ones tend to put people like me on trains to Poland. For this appointment I’m thinking I need a mindset that alienates no one. Something along the lines of, “Send me to The Supreme Court and watch what happens!”