Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa!
If life gives you melons then you’re probably dyslexic!
Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay? He’s still in Daniel!
Did you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic? He walked into a bra?
Did you heard about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They tried to do the 96 positions!
Have you heard about a guy who used to have dyslexia? He now has daily sex instead!
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying “Yo.”
A dyslexic boy who asks his mother for McDonald’s? She said: “You can have one if you can spell it.” The boy replied: “Fine, I’ll have a KFC!”
Two dyslexic guys were riding in a car. One turned to the other and said, “Can you smell petrol?” The other replied, “Don’t be a moron, I can’t even smell my own name!”
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic, insomniac he stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Yo mama so dyslexic, she went into the YMCA thinking it was Macy’s.
My girl friend calls me a god. At first I was pleased, but now I’m not so sure as I remembered she’s dyslexic!
My dyslexic gay friend is so excited for February 14th. He thinks it’s Vaseline Day!
Bluebell Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit.
They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. “Why, we just hired her?” “Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour.” The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” the doctor asked. “To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill’s Boil!”
The Lone Star Brewery, built in 1884, was the first large mechanized brewery in Texas. Adolphus Busch, (I like that name) of Anheuser-Busch, founded it along with a group of San Antonio businessmen. The castle-like building now houses the San Antonio Museum of Art. Lone Star beer was the company’s main brand.
Dr Pepper is the oldest soft drink in America. Older than Coca-Cola, in fact, by a full year. It was created in 1885 by a pharmacist, Charles Alderton, in Waco, Texas. And its original name was Waco – it was served there at the soda fountain in the drugstore. The drink was an instant hit; customers would sit down on one of those old spinning stools and say, “Shoot me a Waco.”
An older Texas lady is visiting her granddaughter in New York City. One day she was supposed to meet her in a very lavish shopping center.
She was riding the elevator when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $200 a bottle!”
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $350 a bottle!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says:
“Broccoli – 2 dollars a pound!”
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ‘California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’
One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.
A man from California was bragging about California girls. He Said “Dude, you can go to the beach and walk right up to a woman and stick it in.”
A Texan listening to his bold statement replied “In Texas when you see a woman you like you just stick it in and walk right up.”
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars ,the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued – and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
No, just the booking photo of a very sunburned man who got pinched in Hammond, Louisiana for investigation of stealing a load of electronics from the Little Rivers United Pentecostal Church.
Brett Gonzales, 22, from Tickfaw, Louisiana, admitted to committing the burglary in early March and gave detectives the location of the loot, which included a 32-inch flat screen television, a DVD player, surround-sound speakers and a portable stereo/ CD player, according to a statement from Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff’s Office.
Gonzalez, was booked on March 15 with “burglary of a religious building” and struck this unforgettable pose for his mugshot. The property was found and returned to the (apparently very rockin’) church.
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: “1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But, she doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says —
‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.’
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started…..
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
It doesn’t matter, she’s not going to come anyway.
SCHOOLS – 1950s vs 2019
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2019 – Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s – Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2019 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
Billy breaks a window in a neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a good hiding
1950s – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2019 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2019 – Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp’s nest.
1950s – Wasps die.
2019 – Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s – In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2019 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
Your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
Your front porch collapses and kills at least three dogs.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You use a rag for a gas cap.
Your Christmas tree ornaments are shotgun shells.
Jack Daniels is on your list of “most admired people.”
Nike has pulled a USA-themed trainer after NFL star Colin Kaepernick reportedly complained that the old version of the American flag on them was offensive given its links to white supremacists.
Colin Kaepernick, the American football player famous for leading protests during the playing of the US national anthem and who fronted a Nike advertising campaign, is said to have complained because of the flag’s association to nationalists. Kaepernick, 31, drew worldwide attention when he began kneeling on the field during the national anthem in 2016 to draw attention to social injustice and racial inequality. He has since gone unsigned by NFL teams.
The version of the US flag that appeared at the back of the new shoes, which has 13 white stars rather than the 50 on the modern version, was used in the United States from 1777 to 1795.
Kaepernick’s alleged intervention was first reported by the Wall Street Journal, which said he had told the company not to sell the shoes as the symbol was offensive.
A Nike spokesman confirmed the shoes had been pulled: “Nike has chosen not to release the Air Max 1 Quick Strike Fourth of July as it featured the old version of the American flag.” the company for calling back shoes that had been brought out to celebrate America’s Independence Day on July 4.
The decision triggered a backlash from some conservative politicians who criticized the company for calling back shoes that had been brought out to celebrate America’s Independence Day on July 4.
Doug Ducey, the Republican governor of Arizona, ordered the withdrawal of “all financial incentive dollars” the state was due to give Nike for opening a manufacturing plant near Phoenix.
“Words cannot express my disappointment at this terrible decision. I am embarrassed for Nike,” Mr Ducey tweeted, calling the decision a “shameful retreat”.
Ted Cruz, the Republican senator for Texas who sought his party’s presidential nomination in 2016, said: “It’s a good thing Nike only wants to sell sneakers to people who hate the American flag.”
The protest movement drew criticism from some conservatives including Donald Trump, while others praised his courage.
Kaepernick has since become the face of a Nike advertising campaign which talked about the willingness to sacrifice for success.
Nike has not commented directly on whether Kaepernick played a role in the trainers being pulled. The shoe was set to be released Monday for $140.00. It is unclear if any of the shoes were sold.