Born a Baptist

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…



I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started…..



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

And that’s when the fight started…..


If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

Judge asks, “What’s she doing?”
The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

 


What do you call a woman without a clitoris?

It doesn’t matter, she’s not going to come anyway.


SCHOOLS – 1950s vs 2019

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2019 – Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
————————–
Scenario :
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s – Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2019 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
————————–
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a good hiding
1950s – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2019 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
————————–
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2019 – Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
————————–
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp’s nest.
1950s – Wasps die.
2019 – Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
————————–
Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s – In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2019 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”
The Old Indian answered,
“It is old Indian Name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

You are probably a redneck if. . .

Your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
Your front porch collapses and kills at least three dogs.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You use a rag for a gas cap.
Your Christmas tree ornaments are shotgun shells.
Jack Daniels is on your list of “most admired people.”


A local restaurant has lines around the block almost every day. Yesterday I got a chance to ask the owner what his secret to success is. “Well, my doctor gave me a list of unhealthy foods to avoid. I turned it into a menu.”

What do you call an Afghani who owns both a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.

 

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