Viva Las Vegas

Piss Off


 

Three men decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second says, “I know what you mean, my friend…my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The last says says, “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there… every morning, I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”

Do It Yourself Time Travel

How to make an infinite energy generator by creating a warp in the space time continuum with a slice of buttered toast and a cat.

 


 

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EB Enterprises – Flux Capacitor

Part # 121G
Line: EB
Details

Product Information

  • Gigawatts: : 1.21
  • Material Compatibility: : Plutonium
  • Working Speed (mph): : 88 mph
  • Maximum Power: : 1.21 Gigawatts

Applications for this product

  • Detailed Description

    Time Travel at your own RISK!!!

  • Plutonium is required to properly operate Flux Capacitor.
    • Plutonium is used by the on-board nuclear reactor which then powers the Flux Capacitor to provide the needed 1.21 Gigawatts of Electrical Power.
    • Plutonium not Available at O’Reilly Auto Parts. Please contact your local supplier.
  • Flux Capacitor requires the stainless steel body of the 81-83 DeLorean DMC-12, V6 2.9L , to properly function.

Once the time machine travels at 88 mph (142 km/h), light coming from the flux capacitor pulses faster until it becomes a steady stream of light. Then, time travel begins.

Upgrade Kits available: Part # 121GMF

FluxCapacitor

Don’t believe it? Go to O’Reilly Auto Parts and search for Part # 121GMF

 

Divorce Decree

22 Points in our Divorce Agreement from liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, Clinton and Obama supporters, et. al.: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process and what has been found out since, has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is our separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens the peaceniks and war protesters.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks.
–We’ll keep Bill O’ Reilly and Bibles, and give you NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Hollywood .
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U..N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
And finally since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name our pledge of allegiance, our flag and our national anthem.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.

If you can’t stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them!