A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat snowflake and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Placerville. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.
During a flight, an Air force pilot was going on vacation was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Ma’am, that’s a good looking baby … and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true military fashion exclaimed, “And to think all these years, I’ve been chewing bubblegum.”
Lost in Them There Woods
There was a news man that was having a dry run so he decided to go out in to the hills and find an old heart touching country story.
So he proceed to drive way back into the woods down a long gravel road and saw an old farm house in the distance.
He pulled into the drive and walked to the house and there was a white bearded old man sitting there chewing on a twig.
The Reporter asked if the old man had a story he could share that was close to his heart about these hills.
The old man said sure. It was about 1 month ago that old man Jenkins lost his favorite hunting dog in them woods, so they formed a posse, they found the dog, they raped the dog and then they came home.
The Reporter was shocked about the story he just heard, He said, I cannot write about that, that is nasty and vile. Please tell me something better than that.
Well the old man thought for a min and said.
It was about 2 weeks ago and old man Price lost his wife out there in them woods, so we formed a posse, found her. Raped her and brought her home.
The reporter mad at this point said that is WRONG SIR!!!
I need something close to your heart that means something to you old timer.
With a tears in the old mans eyes he looks at the reporter and says….
Well Last Weekend I got Lost in them woods……….
A Musical Story of the Trump Whistleblower.
Apologies to Rupert Holmes