Asking for a friend.
I was in the bar having a conversation with a couple of bouncers, when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, “Will you talk to my face, not my fucking tits.”
You’ll go apeshit over these.
What do you call a flying primate? A hot air baboon.
Where do baboons get their hair cut? Vidal Baboons
What do you call a baboon using a kiln in England? Hairy Potter
Who is a baboon’s favorite president? Hairy Truman
What’s a baboon’s favorite drink? Ape-ricot brandy
Which author do baboons like the most? John Steinbeck ( The Apes of Wrath )
At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Is, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!
“Yes, Senor Rod.””But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.
VERY LONG SILENCE.
“Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you’re in deep shit.”
AOC was arrested yesterday at a DC laundromat completely naked. When police asked why she was naked, she pointed to a sign on the wall. It read, “When washer stops, remove your clothes”.
I started a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof!
Dating nowadays….especially in California
Adolph: Hi…I’m Adolph…do you come here often?
Her: No. This is my first time
Adolph: Would you like to dance?
Adolph: Are you here alone?
Her: No, I’m with a girlfriend.
Adolph: It sure is noisy in here. Would you like to go somewhere quiet?
Her: Ok. That sounds good.
Adolph: Before we go…..do you currently have a penis or have you ever had one removed?
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust.
A cockroach can even survive being submerged under water for half an hour.
Because they are cold-blooded insects, cockroaches can live without food for one month.
A cockroach can live for a week without its head the roach only dies because without a mouth, it can’t drink water and dies of thirst.
A cockroach can’t survive a swat from a newspaper, that shows how toxic the media is.
I picked up a pretty girl at the bar last night and when we got to my place I took off my shirt and she said, “What a great chest you have!” I told her “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby”. I took off my pants and she says, “What massive calves you have!” told her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” Then I took off my underwear and she goes running out the door screaming in fear. I put my clothes back on and chased after her and caught up to her and ask her why she ran out of the house like that. Her terrified reply, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”
I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque. They were called “Bomb Jovi” and I thought they were brilliant. They performed songs like: “Losing my Head over You”, “Rocket Launcher Man”,” You’re Six, you’re Beautiful, and you’re Mine”. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down! Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD. I was interested, so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well that was when the trouble started.