Welcome to Fucking, Austria.

 

2016


The Wedding

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Hours passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

Several hours later, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

Saint Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me six hours to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”


Do it again!

Beware, the wind


A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”

Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’”
“Of course,” says the Pope, looking stunned. “Do you have an eraser?”


This man stares long distances...


Jesus Christ

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, “Dude, I’m Jesus Christ!” And the priest says, “No son, you’re not.”

So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says, “No son, you’re not.”

Finally, the drunk had enough and said, “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests

The bartender looks up, sees the drunk and says, “Jesus Christ, are you back AGAIN?”


spponge bob


Diary of a Quarantined Man: Day 19 –  Toilet paper.

If you surround yourself in a giant fort of toilet paper and tie it together with baby wipes it takes the power away from COVID-19. I built the largest toilet paper castle I could. NASA says you can see it from space.

I recommend each of you go out and buy as much toilet paper as possible and bury yourself underneath it. Toilet paper is an unlimited and cheap resource available to us all so no excuses.AOB-19


Roswell New Mexico’s three main attractions are The Alien museum, a Golden Corral, and one decent bar downtown. Honourable mention goes to the local McDonald’s

Макдональдс в Розуэлл (Roswell McDonald's) США


Coast Guard Tells Cruise Ships With COVID-19 Cases To Stay Away From U.S. Ports

Foreign-flagged ships are the norm in the cruise industry. By registering ships in the Bahamas, Panama and other countries, cruise companies can avoid U.S. taxes as well as employment and environmental laws. But now, the Coast Guard is telling those companies that their ships should seek medical care in the countries where they are registered, rather than rely on the U.S.

Cruise ships docked at PortMiami on Tuesday. The U.S. Coast Guard has been working with cruise companies to bring people off of ships stricken with the coronavirus, but a new bulletin also says foreign-flagged ships should not rely on U.S. help.

The U.S. Coast Guard is telling foreign-flagged cruise ships to be prepared to care for people with COVID-19 for an “indefinite period of time” at sea or to seek help from countries other than the U.S., citing a health care system that is being overwhelmed. The instructions are in a new safety bulletin that took effect this week along the southern Atlantic coast, including Florida – which is reporting more than 6,700 coronavirus cases, as of Tuesday evening.

If a cruise ship must send someone ashore for medical care, its owner will be responsible for essentially every step of the trip, from arranging an evacuation to hiring a private ambulance and ensuring the person has a spot in a hospital. But the Coast Guard bulletin, signed by Rear Adm. E.C. Jones of the 7th District based in Miami, also says it could be difficult to find any facility in South Florida that can take new COVID-19 patients.

“Medical facilities in the Port of Miami, for example, are no longer accepting MEDEVAC patients due to limited hospital capacity and it is expected that neighboring counties will follow suit,” wrote Jones, whose Coast Guard district includes Florida, Puerto Rico, Georgia and South Carolina.

The new medical requirements apply to any vessel carrying more than 50 people. It also singles out cruise ships that are registered in the Bahamas – referring to many of the ships owned by large cruise lines such as Carnival, Royal Caribbean and Norwegian.

“Foreign flagged vessels that loiter beyond U.S. territorial seas, particularly those registered to The Bahamas, that require a MEDEVAC to a shoreside facility should seek flag state support prior to seeking support from the limited facilities in the U.S.,” Jones wrote.

The cruise ship industry is currently under a 30-day suspension of all trips from the U.S. that took effect on March 14. But dozens of ships remain at sea.

The Coast Guard memo was first reported by the Miami Herald, which gives this accounting of the current situation off the Florida shore:

“Seventeen ships are lined up at Port Miami and Port Everglades, with more than a dozen others hovering miles offshore. Most have only crew aboard, but several still carrying passengers are steaming toward South Florida ports. In SEC filings Tuesday, Carnival said it has more than 6,000 passengers still at sea. New sailings were halted by all major lines on March 13.”

News of the Coast Guard bulletin emerged as a Carnival-owned Holland America seeks a port for the Zaandam, a cruise ship on which four people have died and nearly 200 people were sickened by suspected COVID-19. The company wants the ship to dock in Fort Lauderdale; several countries have denied permission for the ship to dock and disembark passengers.

HTNPR


Fucking Austria

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