A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat snowflake and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Placerville. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.
During a flight, an Air force pilot was going on vacation was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Ma’am, that’s a good looking baby … and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true military fashion exclaimed, “And to think all these years, I’ve been chewing bubblegum.”
Lost in Them There Woods
There was a news man that was having a dry run so he decided to go out in to the hills and find an old heart touching country story.
So he proceed to drive way back into the woods down a long gravel road and saw an old farm house in the distance.
He pulled into the drive and walked to the house and there was a white bearded old man sitting there chewing on a twig.
The Reporter asked if the old man had a story he could share that was close to his heart about these hills.
The old man said sure. It was about 1 month ago that old man Jenkins lost his favorite hunting dog in them woods, so they formed a posse, they found the dog, they raped the dog and then they came home.
The Reporter was shocked about the story he just heard, He said, I cannot write about that, that is nasty and vile. Please tell me something better than that.
Well the old man thought for a min and said.
It was about 2 weeks ago and old man Price lost his wife out there in them woods, so we formed a posse, found her. Raped her and brought her home.
The reporter mad at this point said that is WRONG SIR!!!
I need something close to your heart that means something to you old timer.
With a tears in the old mans eyes he looks at the reporter and says….
Well Last Weekend I got Lost in them woods……….
A Musical Story of the Trump Whistleblower.
Apologies to Rupert Holmes
The first says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second says, “I know what you mean, my friend…my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The last says says, “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there… every morning, I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”
How to make an infinite energy generator by creating a warp in the space time continuum with a slice of buttered toast and a cat.
- Gigawatts: : 1.21
- Material Compatibility: : Plutonium
- Working Speed (mph): : 88 mph
- Maximum Power: : 1.21 Gigawatts
Applications for this product
- Detailed Description
Time Travel at your own RISK!!!
- Plutonium is required to properly operate Flux Capacitor.
- Plutonium is used by the on-board nuclear reactor which then powers the Flux Capacitor to provide the needed 1.21 Gigawatts of Electrical Power.
- Plutonium not Available at O’Reilly Auto Parts. Please contact your local supplier.
- Flux Capacitor requires the stainless steel body of the 81-83 DeLorean DMC-12, V6 2.9L , to properly function.
Once the time machine travels at 88 mph (142 km/h), light coming from the flux capacitor pulses faster until it becomes a steady stream of light. Then, time travel begins.
Upgrade Kits available: Part # 121GMF
Don’t believe it? Go to O’Reilly Auto Parts and search for Part # 121GMF
22 Points in our Divorce Agreement from liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, Clinton and Obama supporters, et. al.: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process and what has been found out since, has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is our separation agreement:
–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens the peaceniks and war protesters.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks.
–We’ll keep Bill O’ Reilly and Bibles, and give you NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Hollywood .
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U..N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
And finally since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name our pledge of allegiance, our flag and our national anthem.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.
If you can’t stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them!
Bernie Sanders joked about a topless protester who had messages written on her body during a radio interview on Tuesday.
President Donald Trump on Wednesday directed the Education Department to more easily forgive the federal student loans owed by veterans with disabilities, making a move Education Secretary Betsy DeVos had resisted for months.
Veterans and other student loan borrowers who are “totally and permanently” disabled are entitled under existing law to have their federal student loans canceled by the Education Department. But they previously had to fill out paperwork to have their loans discharged — a bureaucratic obstacle that veterans’ advocates slammed as too burdensome for many severely disabled veterans.
Trump said he was “taking executive action to ensure that our wounded warriors are not saddled with mountains of student debt,” vowing to “eliminate every penny of federal student loan debt owed by American veterans who are completely and permanently disabled.”
“The debt of these disabled veterans will be entirely erased,” Trump said during remarks at a veterans convention in Louisville, Ky. “It will be gone.”
The move will wipe out “hundreds of millions” in student loan debt owed by more than 25,000 disabled veterans, Trump said. The average amount forgiven would be about $30,000, he said.
The last one gave us men in the women’s bathroom
Obama jointly used his departments of Justice and Education to declare that all learning institutions that take federal funds — from kindergarten through graduate school — must allow students to enjoy the lavatories, locker rooms, showers, other facilities, and sports teams that correspond not to their objective genitalia but to their subjective “gender identity.” According to the DOJ and the DOE: “Gender identify refers to an individual’s internal sense of gender. A person’s gender identity may be different from or the same as the person’s sex defined at birth.”
Three mice are in a bar bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “when I see mouse bait, I like to put a pinch between my cheek and gum and get a good high for the day”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.
Second mouse says, “when I see a mousetrap, I take the cheese, catch the bar in my teeth and do twenty reps with the bar”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.
The third mouse drinks his drink, puts the glass on the counter and says “I don’t have time for this shit, I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
Scenario: You’re in your own home with your wife and newborn baby. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife kicks in the door, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Whats a 45? Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the baby? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Gun have appropriate safety built into it? Why do I have a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading).
Wife: “Nice grouping, Honey! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??
Russian President Putin called President Donald Trump with an emergency. “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “It’s my people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!”
“Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.
“I do need your help” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it,”said Trump.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin.
“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Putin.
“No problem,” replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
Donald hung up and called the President of a condom company. “I need a favor. You’ve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.”
“Consider it done,” said the president of the condom company.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL’ on each one!”