Fundraiser for Hillary R. Clinton

I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.

We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.

It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.

Thank you,

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

The Hillary stamp.

The United States Postal Service just had to recall a stamp they created with a photo of former Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. It was to honor her time as First Lady and her service to America.

Hillary and Bill Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

After a multi-million dollar Postal Service investigation team spent months looking into the problem, they discovered this:

* The stamp was manufactured correctly.
* The adhesive works normally.
* People were just spitting on the wrong side!

hcs

Funny you should ask, my brother-in-law just died.

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house, when he arrived he didn’t brake properly and boom he hit the curb. The car flipped over, he crashed through the sunroof, went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Poor guy, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

Pick Up Lines Women Have Used on Me.

10. Do these feel real to you?

 

9. Your pretty, get in the truck!


8. Hi, I’m Muffy and I have a vagina.


7. I have amnesia, have we had sex yet?


6. Hello, I’m Bambi and I don’t have a gag reflex.


5. Are you a candle, because I wanna blow you?


4. All of the seats are taken, can I sit on your face?


3. Don’t let this go to your head, but do you want some?


2. Is your name Richard? I’ve been looking for a Dick all day.

 

Drumroll

 

1. Do you want to back to my place and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?

 

 

 

 

Mute Tourette’s Syndrome

I’m going to be taking part in a charity bike ride on November 22 2018 to raise funds for Mute Tourette’s Syndrome. A friend of mine has a 5 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year’s therapy.

Mute Tourette’s syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more ‘famous’ sister-disease, ‘Tourette’s Syndrome’, and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourette’s has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette’s suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.

The Mute Tourette’s Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette’s. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just $0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. $1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would therefore be extremely grateful if you were able to help with such a deserving cause.

Please find attached a picture which clearly demonstrates just how the donations received so far have been put to such good use.

                                arrows
mute tourettes

Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder

Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder was directly caused by the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America.

Signs and Symptoms:

Trump, Acceptance, Resistance, Disorder, or T.A.R.D. is a pattern of pathologically dissociative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November eighth, 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time. Sufferers of Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder, often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, uncontrollable crying, suicidal ideation, and sorrow.

Characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again. Individual sufferers often display signs of paranoia and delusion; in acute cases psychotic episodes have been observed. T.A.R.D. is different from being upset about the results of the 2016 presidential election.

Symptoms: Telling others they are moving to Canada, Fixated on fantasies about the Electoral College, Protesting an election no credible source contests the outcome of, Exclamations that “Someone” should do “Something”, Acute change in demeanor from pompous and arrogant to fearful and combative

Causes and Mechanisms: Membership in the Democratic Party, Identifying as a Feminist Currently enrolled in college, and/or Possession of a Liberal Arts college degree, Living in a densely populated metropolitan area, Massive student debt, Spotty or non-existent work history and Hipsterism

Treatment:

Recommended treatment, group rehabilitation therapy and behavioral therapy and exposure therapy. The patient must be repeatedly exposed to reality, and should wear a Make America Great Again hat as long as they are able to tolerate it.

If the condition occurs more than once a week, it is called Recurring Emotional Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder or R.E.T.A.R.D. Symptoms include disorientation, withdrawal and isolation. Recommended treatment individual therapy and antidepressants, particularly the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)

If it becomes chronic it’s called Recurring Emotional Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder Syndrome or R.E.T.A.R.D.S. Symptom include acute anxiety, sudden outburst of rage accompanied by violence, paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Recommended treatment, immediate hospitalization in a suitable secure facility, intensive one on one therapy, Thorazine, Risperdal or other suitable antipsychotic medications.