next door to the factory where he works and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, with a beer in front of him.
The Democrat does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy, is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear him clearly, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,
but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Democrat.
The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The Democrat once again, loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.
As before, this STILL doesn’t seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The Democrat boss asks the bartender, “What the devil is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts or what!?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies & Imade $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Debbie,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom & dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.
“$2,467,” he said
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand & I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”
Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Two women fighting over shoes
1. How many eyes does Larry have?
2. How many tails does Larry have?
3. How many feet does Larry have?
4. How many toes does Larry have?
5. How many beaks does Larry have?
6. How many wings does Larry have?
7. How many lips does Larry have?
8. What is the rooster’s name?
9. What color is Larry?
10. What does a Larry say in the morning?
A little white cat walks up to the bar & orders a bowl of catnip.
11. What is the cat’s name?
12. How many hairs are on the cat?
13. How many toes are on the cat?
Answers; check your score.
Give yourself 0 points for incorrect answers and 1 point for correct answers.
9. Big black roosters don’t have lips.
12. There are approximately 60,000 hairs per square inch on the back of a cat and about 120,000 per square inch on its underside.
13. Normal cats have a total of 18 toes, with five toes on each front paw and four toes on each hind paw; polydactyl cats may have as many as eight digits on their front and/or hind paws. Jake, a Canadian polydactyl cat with 28 toes, was recognized by Guinness World Records as having the highest number of toes on a cat.
0 = Moron. 1 – 3 = Good. 4 – 6 = Very Good 7 – 9 = Genius 10 = You probably know more about a big black cock than you do about a little white pussy. 11 – 13 = You Cheated!
A Woman gets out of her Prius, walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy drinking a beer.
Woman: I see you drink beer.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay for each beer?
Man: About $5.00 including the tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: Maybe 20 years, I guess.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
Woman: So in one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Woman: For each year that you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Did you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said “it’s my husband! Quick, try the back door.”
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don’t get offers like that every day.
What’s the Difference Between Pot And Pussy?If you can smell the weed from across the room, it means it’s good.
So that it might, for a brief moment,
escape the unbearable scream that is silence.
“There were only four witches in all the Land of Oz, and two of them, those who live in the North and the South, are good witches. I know this is true, for I am one of them myself, and cannot be mistaken. Those who dwelt in the East and the West were, indeed, wicked witches; but now that you have killed one of them, there is but one Wicked Witch in all the Land of Oz–the one who lives in the West.”
L. Frank Baum
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl…
with big tits…
Are three of my favorite things!
Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking marijuana outside my office.
I say “No, I shaved the picture!”
Cowboy: “Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
The Indian looks stunned.
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?”, while pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
The Indian has a look of disbelief on his face.
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
The Indian now has extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?”, while pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”
The Indian now has a look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep lying bitch.”