Big Ol’ Johnson Encore
A little song while you look at The Big Johnsons.
The bartender replies “A nickle”.
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?”
The Bartender replies “a quarter”.
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”.
The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.
The guy looks all confused, then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”
The bartender said “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here”.
Three old servicemen were waiting in the veteran’s affairs office to apply for a lump-sum bonus to which they had been entitled.
The V.A. officer came in and addressed them all.
“Gentlemen, the V.A. has decided that all bonuses will be given commensurate with physical measurements taken from the applicant.To be fair however, the applicant gets to decide the measurement used.”
The first man, a sailor stand up and says. “I want my measurment to be from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.”
The V.A. officer takes a tape measure and measures this distance, and announces, “Five foot eleven..your bonus will be five thousand, one hundred and ten dollars.”
The second man, a pilot in the USAF stand up and says, ” I want to be measured from the tips of my outstretched arms.”
The V.A. officer measures this and announces, “Six feet, two inches..your bonus will be six thousand, two hundred dollars.”
The third man, and old Marine Gunny stands up and says “You can measure me from the tip of my cock to my balls.”
The V.A. man is confused and says “Are you sure that’s the measurment you want to use?”
“Damn straight” says the grizzled old Marine, and drops his drawers.
The V.A. officer kneels before him and places the end of the tape measure on the tip of the soldier’s penis and extends it downward until he reached where the man’s testicles would have been.”
“Where are your balls?” the V.A. man asks.
“Vietnam” says the Marine.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”
Why do some people laugh when someone farts and others don’t?
A fart is an asshole telling a joke in a language that only other assholes can understand.
When I was a biology student I conducted a study on the balance in sea birds with a specific focus on Royal Terns.
I proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, I got the funding.
I filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on my way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get my stipend, and living with drugged terns, I completed my study.
With trembling hands, I delivered my 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused my study, asking penetrating questions and reducing me to jello. Finally, the department head spoke.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at me.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
I turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no Tern unstoned.”
Melania was awakened by a strange noise in the middle of the night. “Wake up, Donald,” she whispered, “I think there are thieves in the house.” “Wha….,” said Donald sleepily, “You woke me for this? They’re not in the House, they’re in the Senate.”
The family of an elderly Arab gentleman have searched everywhere for a nursing home for him. At last they find one – a Jewish home. Some days pass, and his son calls to visit. “How is it here?” he asks.
“It’s great”, the old man replies. “Do you know, they address everyone here by their title, no matter how long it is since they practiced their vocation. There’s a conductor who hasn’t stood in front of an orchestra for 30 years, but they still call him Maestro. And a doctor who hasn’t lifted a stethoscope for 20 years, but is still addressed as Doctor Cohen. An academic who retired 25 years ago is still called Professor.”
“What about you?” the son asks.
“It’s the same with me”, replies the old man. “I haven’t had sexual intercourse for 40 years, but they still call me the fucking Arab.”
Starkle, starkle, little twink, who the hell you are I think. I’m not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am besides, I’ve only had bee threers and I’ve got all day sober to Sunday up. I fool so feelish, I don’t know who’s me yet but, the drunker I sit here, the longer I get.
So she shouts to a man below, “Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am.”
“You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude,” he replies.
“You must be a Democrat.”
“I am. How did you know?”
“Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help.”
“You must be a Republican.”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
next door to the factory where he works and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, with a beer in front of him.
The Democrat does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy, is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear him clearly, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,
but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Democrat.
The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The Democrat once again, loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.
As before, this STILL doesn’t seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The Democrat boss asks the bartender, “What the devil is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts or what!?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies & Imade $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Debbie,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom & dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.
“$2,467,” he said
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand & I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”
Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
1. How many eyes does Larry have?
2. How many tails does Larry have?
3. How many feet does Larry have?
4. How many toes does Larry have?
5. How many beaks does Larry have?
6. How many wings does Larry have?
7. How many lips does Larry have?
8. What is the rooster’s name?
9. What color is Larry?
10. What does a Larry say in the morning?
A little white cat walks up to the bar & orders a bowl of catnip.
11. What is the cat’s name?
12. How many hairs are on the cat?
13. How many toes are on the cat?
Answers; check your score.
Give yourself 0 points for incorrect answers and 1 point for correct answers.
9. Big black roosters don’t have lips.
12. There are approximately 60,000 hairs per square inch on the back of a cat and about 120,000 per square inch on its underside.
13. Normal cats have a total of 18 toes, with five toes on each front paw and four toes on each hind paw; polydactyl cats may have as many as eight digits on their front and/or hind paws. Jake, a Canadian polydactyl cat with 28 toes, was recognized by Guinness World Records as having the highest number of toes on a cat.
0 = Moron. 1 – 3 = Good. 4 – 6 = Very Good 7 – 9 = Genius 10 = You probably know more about a big black cock than you do about a little white pussy. 11 – 13 = You Cheated!
A Woman gets out of her Prius, walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy drinking a beer.
Woman: I see you drink beer.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay for each beer?
Man: About $5.00 including the tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: Maybe 20 years, I guess.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
Woman: So in one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Woman: For each year that you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Did you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said “it’s my husband! Quick, try the back door.”
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don’t get offers like that every day.
What’s the Difference Between Pot And Pussy?If you can smell the weed from across the room, it means it’s good.