So that it might, for a brief moment,
“There were only four witches in all the Land of Oz, and two of them, those who live in the North and the South, are good witches. I know this is true, for I am one of them myself, and cannot be mistaken. Those who dwelt in the East and the West were, indeed, wicked witches; but now that you have killed one of them, there is but one Wicked Witch in all the Land of Oz–the one who lives in the West.”
L. Frank Baum
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl…
with big tits…
Cowboy: “Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
The Indian looks stunned.
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?”, while pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
The Indian has a look of disbelief on his face.
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
The Indian now has extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?”, while pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”
The Indian now has a look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep lying bitch.”
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my backyard, having a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I asked, “Jesus, why do I work so hard?” and I heard this reply. “Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.” I responded, “I thought that money was the root of all evil.” He then replied, “No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is just a tool, it can be used for good or bad.”
I was starting to feel better but I still had two burning questions, so I asked, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?” He replied, “That is a question many men ask. The answer to the first question is in your heart and is different for everyone. The answer to your second question is your mother and your father had mucho sex. I would love to chat with you some more, señor but I have to finish your lawn now”…
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth…
Ice is lethal!
Warn all your friends!
Lay off the ice!
Drills another hole to let the water out.
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men’s Olympic 100 meter final.
I laughed, “What? Over in 9.5 seconds?”
“No,” she said, “Eight black men and a gun.”
In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub. The answer, of course, being…throw in your wash.
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said, “I Sorry, buddy. Did he drown?”
“No,” he replied, “He choked on a sock.”
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.
If you work too hard, there’s never any time for her.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If SHE asks you, it’s a favor.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
Why do men die first? Because they fucking want to!
I really enjoy a nice juicy steak cooked medium rare.
I really enjoy a nice juicy colon cooked medium rare.
Why did Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding sing the National Anthem at the Olympics? They have a good set of pipes.
What do you get if you cross Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tonya Harding? A killer orgasm that makes your knees buckle.
What is Tonya Harding’s favorite book? Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.
What’s Tonya’s favorite movie? Dirty Ice Dancing.