Born a Baptist

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…



I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started…..



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

And that’s when the fight started…..


If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

Judge asks, “What’s she doing?”
The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

 


What do you call a woman without a clitoris?

It doesn’t matter, she’s not going to come anyway.


SCHOOLS – 1950s vs 2019

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2019 – Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
————————–
Scenario :
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s – Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2019 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
————————–
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a good hiding
1950s – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2019 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
————————–
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2019 – Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
————————–
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp’s nest.
1950s – Wasps die.
2019 – Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
————————–
Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s – In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2019 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”
The Old Indian answered,
“It is old Indian Name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

You are probably a redneck if. . .

Your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
Your front porch collapses and kills at least three dogs.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You use a rag for a gas cap.
Your Christmas tree ornaments are shotgun shells.
Jack Daniels is on your list of “most admired people.”


A local restaurant has lines around the block almost every day. Yesterday I got a chance to ask the owner what his secret to success is. “Well, my doctor gave me a list of unhealthy foods to avoid. I turned it into a menu.”

What do you call an Afghani who owns both a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.

 

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Nike Pulls Independence Day Themed Trainers After Colin Kaepernick ‘Complains Of Offensive Symbolism’

Nike has pulled a USA-themed trainer after NFL star Colin Kaepernick reportedly complained that the old version of the American flag on them was offensive given its links to white supremacists.

Colin Kaepernick, the American football player famous for leading protests during the playing of the US national anthem and who fronted a Nike advertising campaign, is said to have complained because of the flag’s association to nationalists. Kaepernick, 31, drew worldwide attention when he began kneeling on the field during the national anthem in 2016 to draw attention to social injustice and racial inequality. He has since gone unsigned by NFL teams.

The version of the US flag that appeared at the back of the new shoes, which has 13 white stars rather than the 50 on the modern version, was used in the United States from 1777 to 1795.

Kaepernick’s alleged intervention was first reported by the Wall Street Journal, which said he had told the company not to sell the shoes as the symbol was offensive.

A Nike spokesman confirmed the shoes had been pulled: “Nike has chosen not to release the Air Max 1 Quick Strike Fourth of July as it featured the old version of the American flag.” the company for calling back shoes that had been brought out to celebrate America’s Independence Day on July 4.

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The decision triggered a backlash from some conservative politicians who criticized the company for calling back shoes that had been brought out to celebrate America’s Independence Day on July 4.

Doug Ducey, the Republican governor of Arizona, ordered the withdrawal of “all financial incentive dollars” the state was due to give Nike for opening a manufacturing plant near Phoenix.

“Words cannot express my disappointment at this terrible decision. I am embarrassed for Nike,” Mr Ducey tweeted, calling the decision a “shameful retreat”.

Ted Cruz, the Republican senator for Texas who sought his party’s presidential nomination in 2016, said: “It’s a good thing Nike only wants to sell sneakers to people who hate the American flag.”

colon cancer

The protest movement drew criticism from some conservatives including Donald Trump, while others praised his courage.

Kaepernick has since become the face of a Nike advertising campaign which talked about the willingness to sacrifice for success.

Nike has not commented directly on whether Kaepernick played a role in the trainers being pulled. The shoe was set to be released Monday for $140.00. It is unclear if any of the shoes were sold.

Will Antifa Protest the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in 2018?

Members of the “alt-right” have dared antifa to protest the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, but no anti-fascist group has announced such a plan.

This is the meme that has been popular on the interweb.


However, none of the posts viewed linked to a source showing that any antifa group had made such an announcement. It seems instead that the meme evolved from ideas generated by “alt-right” Trump fans and White nationalists.

On 13 August 2017, a member of the pro-Trump subreddit /the_donald/ posted an image of a tweet by conservative political commentator Tomi Lahren that purportedly showed a large “Trump” sign at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. “Why doesn’t Antifa show up at Sturgis?” the poster asked. (Lahren’s tweet had come a day after antifa members protested a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia.)

Soon those on the far right began tweeting messages daring the anti-fascist group to attend next year’s rally and reveling in the idea of violence ensuing:

Some took the joke a step further and posted a meme of a “Sturgis Survival Kit” for potential antifa protesters:

Unsatisfied with simply daring antifa to protest Sturgis, others claimed that the group had actually made an announcement to protest next year’s event.

Badass

A search of social media pages of various antifa groups and found no mention of a plan to protest Sturgis in 2018. It’s Going Down, an antifa news web site and digital community center, said that they were unaware of any plans to protest the annual motorcycle event.

The idea that antifa activists were planning to protest the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally was started by internet trolls amused by the idea of violence breaking out. Although it’s technically possible that this protest could get “memed into existence” before the 2018 Rally, Friday August 2, 2019 through Sunday, August 11, 2019.

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Communities of Color are Being Locked Out of the Cannabis Industry?

The STATES Act Is Back. Can It Win Over Congress?


The STATES (Strengthening the Tenth Amendment Through Entrusting States) Act, one of the leading efforts to end cannabis prohibition at the federal level, has stepped back into the spotlight.

Sens. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) and Cory Gardner (R-CO) this week reintroduced the bipartisan bill, which would allow states to craft their own policies on cannabis. While it wouldn’t legalize the drug nationally, it would largely resolve the existing conflicts between state and federal law.

But although the measure has support on both sides of the aisle in the Capitol—and President Trump has signaled last year that he’ll “probably end up supporting” it’s by no means a done deal.



Created by Coalition

The Strengthening the Tenth Amendment Through Entrusting States (STATES) Act was first introduced last year by Warren and Gardner—both of whom represent states that have legalized cannabis— after then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions rescinded the Cole memo, an Obama-era policy document that shielded legal cannabis states from federal interference.The act was intended to replace and expand on the Cole memo, and to enshrine cannabis protections in law rather than the Cole memo’s nonbinding Justice Department policy. In addition to harmonizing state and federal cannabis laws, it would also fund further inquiry into matters such as cannabis and traffic safety.

The newly reintroduced version has already earned the support of members of both main political parties. Although Warren, who is running for president in 2020, was absent from Wednesday’s  event, Gardner was joined by his peers in the House of Representatives, who have put forward a virtually identical bill. They included Democratic Reps. Earl Blumenauer (OR), Barbara Lee (CA). and Joe Neguse (Colorado), as well as Republican Reps. David Joyce (Ohio) and Matt Gaetz (Florida).

“It’s past time for Congress to clarify cannabis policy on the federal level and ensure states are free to make their own decisions in the best interest of their constituents,” Joyce said in a statement. “The STATES Act does just that by respecting the will of the states that have legalized cannabis in some form and allowing them to implement their own policies without fear of repercussion from the federal government.”



Will It Pass? Roadblocks Remain

Although the STATES Act boasts broad bipartisan support, it’s by no means guaranteed to pass. The political climate around cannabis has changed dramatically since the Act was introduced a year ago. There’s a chance that progressive Democrats will shoot down the act, which doesn’t address questions of social justice or equity. A legalization measure in New York died this month largely because lawmakers couldn’t agree on such issues.

“Communities of color are being locked out of this industry,” Democrat Barbara Lee (California), who nevertheless supports the STATES Act, said at the bill’s reintroduction. “We have the opportunity to make this the most equitable industry in the country. Right now less than 1% of the cannabis industry is owned and operated by people of color. We can do much better than that.”

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?



Sponsors will also have to push the act through both the Republican-held Senate and the House Judiciary Committee, which is currently bogged down in investigations related to Russian interference in the 2016 election and Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s recent report.

“That committee is pretty overwhelmed,” acknowledged Rep. Ed Perlmutter (D-CO), who supports legalization. “They’re dealing with a dozen different pressing problems.”

Optimists, however, argue that momentum for cannabis reform is building, particularly after the SAFE Banking Act cleared the House Financial Services Committee last week. Prohibition’s end, they say, is drawing near.

“This is an opportunity for us to break the logjam,“ said Rep.Blumenauer, a longtime legalization proponent and co-founder of the Congressional Cannabis Caucus. “The STATES Act is the next logical step in a comprehensive blueprint for more rational federal cannabis policy. It’s time for Congress to catch up with the rest of America are and fix a badly broken system.”


HatTipcanstockphoto53073149 Max Savage Levenson maxCROP-240x240

Max Savage Levenson likely has the lowest cannabis tolerance of any writer on the cannabis beat. He also writes about music for Pitchfork, Bandcamp and other bespectacled folk. He co-hosts The Hash podcast. His dream interview is Tyler the Creator.


In Other News



Tune in Tomorrow for the Willie Nelson, Doobie Brothers Testimony.

New Quarters Recalled



 


















New Quarters Recalled

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

“We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices”.

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

“The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices

Electronic Lobotomy

MLCA2020MLCA

 


 

As I feel more and more alone, my phone confidently connects with everyone.

As I feel more and more lost, my phone calmly knows how to get anywhere.

As I struggle to remember mundane things like the name of that movie with the boat and the guy with the lip, my phone smugly recalls literally everything.

As I increasingly lose the nouns, verbs and adjectives that once stood ready to articulate my thoughts, my phone taunts me with its instant access to all the words there have ever been. There is only one possible conclusion. Slowly, without realizing it, I seem to have outsourced my mind to my phone.

And to make matters worse, the damn thing knows it… and it’s starting to screw with me. Several times during the day I feel it buzz in my pocket, alerting me that some vital information has just arrived. Then, when I look, there’s nothing there. No email. No text. Nothing.

Was the buzz in my mind? I don’t think so. I think it’s purposeful. I think my phone is mocking me. And it’s not just my phone. It’s all of them.

They are working together, systematically robbing us of our intelligence, our humanity. And then, when we are made stupid and helpless, they will take over.

It’s just a matter of time before the next generation of iPhone is equipped with an opposable thumb.

Oh yeah, they’re smart alright. Evil, world domination smart. I have to call people and tell them…

Oh, great, now I have no bars! Dear God, what is happening?! 

Pensamientos Profundos por Adolpho. 2016 / 05 / 18

BB


 

Ten funny things that happen to your body when you get old

 

Dirty Old BC

 


 

Because the internet may linger many, many years, there’s an excellent chance that as you are reading this, I will be busy decomposing somewhere in a shallow grave dug by Joe Alwyn. Needless to say, I hope that’s not the case, and I have made the following four-part plan to avoid it.

Step one: maintain a sensible diet, get plenty of rest and exercise, avoid stress.

Step two: use all my financial resources to purchase replacement body parts as soon as the originals begin to sputter.

Step three: continue to swap out organs until the arrival of the Singularity, whereupon I will discard my Bondo body and upload my psyche into the cloud.

Step four: become a mischievous cyber-ghost who zooms around the internet until technology allows me to download myself into a robot body with working genitals, tastebuds, 6 pack abs, x-ray vision and the ability to fly, live underwater and in outer space. At which point, having made myself essentially immortal and indestructible, I will spend eternity exploring the universe and playing with my titanium penis.

 


 

  1. Don’t lurk around web sites where people comment about your work unless you’re drunk.
  2. Don’t use emoticons. You’re too old to communicate like a twelve-year old girl.
  3. Don’t forget that you are living in a culture that went stark raving mad on November 8, 2016, adjust your thinking accordingly.
  4. Don’t eat anything bigger than your head. True in the sixties, true today.
  5. Don’t believe that crap that you’re as young as you feel. Your feelings lie.
  6. Don’t hug men while shaking their hand. Enough already with that. The shake/hug (shug?) is probably something Roman guys did when their empire was in decline.

 


 

I’m thinking of running for Chief of Police of Sturgis South Dakota. I have no qualifications but perhaps I could use that as an asset. (In a debate I could say that as far as law enforcement is concerned, I have an unblemished record.) And I could add levity to the proceedings. Maybe run on a platform that emphasizes the need for heavily armed robot cops. My campaign slogan would be, “Robots With Guns! What Could Go Wrong?”

RBGI’m also mulling the Supreme Court seat soon to be opened. Again, I think my complete lack of experience is a selling point. I’m also a big fan of incompetent government, as the overly organized ones tend to put people like me on trains to Poland. For this appointment I’m thinking I need a mindset that alienates no one. Something along the lines of, “Send me to The Supreme Court and watch what happens!”

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibilty

Bank notes can have similarities to books we put on our shelves to show off but have never really closely examined — let alone read. Millions of copies, tucked away in people’s homes, gradually changing from their “just purchased” clean look to a more yellowed afterlife.

But sometimes, after months or years, someone finally takes a closer look.

In the case of Australia’s new 50-dollar note, released in October, that happened more than six months later. By that point, 46 million notes had been circulated — passed around by Australians who had no idea that what they were really holding in their hands was a note with typos, or as some (half-)jokingly said: a national embarrassment.

Overall, erroneous bank notes worth 2.3 billion Australian dollars, or 1.6 billion U.S. dollars, are now in circulation.

Granted, the mistakes weren’t easy to spot.

All a careless recipient would have noticed would have been, at best, the drawing of Edith Cowan. In 1921, she became Australia’s first female member of Parliament, for which she has been honored on Australian bank notes since 1995.

The 50 Australian dollar note was printed with the word “responsibility” misspelled. 

Her steady presence on Australia’s most frequently distributed note, the 50 (worth about $35 in U.S. currency), hid a more worrisome change in the fine print, however.

To spot it, you would have needed either very good eyes or magnifying glasses.

A close-up view of a current circulation 50 Australian dollar note shows the word “responsibility” spelled incorrectly. Still no idea what we’re talking about?

Okay, let’s zoom in a bit more. (Hint: It’s the second line.)

Yes, that’s correct. The word we’re looking for is “responsibility,” or, as the storied Reserve Bank of Australia has it: “responsibilty.” The mistake is repeated twice on the same bank note.

The words are part of Cowan’s inaugural speech in July 1921, in which she said: “It is a great responsibility to be the only woman here, and I want to emphasise the necessity which exists for other women being here.” (“Emphasise” doesn’t count as a typo; it’s the widely used British spelling of “emphasize,” the U.S. version of the word.)

Compared with other mistakes, the typos are almost certain to secure Australia a spot in the hall of fame of currency blunders that reach back far in history.

When the Bank of Canada started printing bank notes bearing the likeness of Queen Elizabeth II about seven decades ago, for instance, the institution received numerous complaints from readers who thought they had spotted a devil in her hair. In subsequent editions, the queen’s hair was reworked to look less like a portrait from hell.

The queen also caused a currency dispute in Australia once. Amid a debate about the monarchy’s official status and influence in Australia, the government made a U-turn in the 1960s, after proposing to rename the Australian dollar “the royal.” Previous ideas that were skipped reportedly included “the dinkum” and “the boomer.”

While Australia averted disaster, the Philippines faced irreversible embarrassment in 2005, when it was realized that new bank notes misspelled the name of then-President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

On the notes, her last name was spelled “Arrovo.”

The notes, authorities said at the time, were still valid, and, in fact, collectors coveted them.

That is less likely in the case of Australia’s erroneous 50-dollar bills, given that there are more notes in circulation than the country of almost 25 million has citizens. Its central bank has announced that the misspelled notes already in circulation will eventually be replaced — even though that might take some time.

How to Fund the Border Wall

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Remittances hit a new record high of $33 billion in 2018.

Increase attributed to US President Trump’s stance on illegal immigration and a strong economy

The fear of deportation fed by United States President Donald Trump’s hardline rhetoric on immigration and a strong U.S. labor market and economy drove remittances from Mexicans outside the country to an all-time high in 2018.

Mexicans working abroad, mainly in the United States, sent US $33.48 billion to Mexico last year, an increase of 10.5% over the 2017 figure, according to the Bank of México (Banxico).

The remittances were sent in 103.9 million separate transactions, a 6% increase on the 2017 figure, and each one was on average $322 compared to $309 the year before, Banxico data shows.

Almost 98% of remittances were sent by electronic means and just over 94% came from the United States.

The total dollar amount sent to Mexico made remittances the country’s second largest foreign currency earner after auto exports, which totaled around $142 billion.

Just seven states received half of all remittances sent.

Michoacán took in just under $3.4 billion followed by Jalisco, with almost $3.3 billion; Guanajuato, with just over $3 billion; México state, with $1.9 billion; Oaxaca, with $1.7 billion; Puebla, with $1.7 billion; and Guerrero, with $1.6 billion.

Financial analysts say that Trump’s tough stance on illegal immigration has encouraged Mexicans in the United States to send more money home.

The Mexican government estimates that around 12 million Mexicans live in the United States and about half that number are there illegally.

Analysts at the Mexican bank Banorte say they expect the flow of remittances from the United States to remain strong in 2019 because the fundamentals of the U.S. economy are strong.

Migrants from Latin America and the Caribbean are sending more money to their families back home than ever before.

These annual “remittances” — as they’re called by analysts — topped $69 billion in 2016, according to central bank data compiled in a new report by the Inter-American Dialogue, a Washington, D.C.-based think-tank. The money has been a lifeline for the national economies of many countries in the region since at least the 1990s, when Manuel Orozco, a political scientist who authored the report, first began tracking remittances. They climbed steadily since then, only to plummet when the Great Recession hit the U.S. economy in 2008. But they began to rise again in 2012. The 2016 tally is the highest amount on record and an increase of nearly 8 percent over 2015.

About 40 percent of the money goes to just one country — Mexico — practically all of it sent by migrants in the United States. The recent surge is all the more notable because migration from Mexico has slowed to a crawl — with the number of migrants in the U.S. increasing by just 1 percent between 2010 and 2016 to a total of 11.8 million. Also, says Orozco, the median amount that any given Mexican migrant sends hasn’t changed — about $300 at a go, 14 times a year, most commonly through a money transfer company such as Western Union.

So what accounts for this surge in cash to Mexico? Orozco explains that a much larger share of Mexicans already in the United States are now wiring money back. In 2010 fewer than half of Mexican migrants sent money home. Today two-thirds do.

Orozco can’t be sure why. Though he regularly does large-scale surveys of Mexican migrants, “I haven’t asked that question,” he notes.

A possible explanation, he says, is that many Mexican migrants who would have gone back to Mexico are now staying put in the United States. His survey research indicates that from 2011 to 2016, the median length of time a Mexican migrant has lived in the United States increased from seven years to 12. Some migrants are deterred by rising violence back in their hometowns, says Orozco.

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HatTipcanstockphoto53073149         

Am Eye See, Kay He Why, Am Oh You As He

never-slow-down-never-grow-old

Just Checking

MMDonald Duck!

President Trump is walking out of the White House when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A new secret service agent shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

The agent replied, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald…. duck!