ADOLPH SQUAWS & STRAWS

2things

 

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BUBBLE TEA

Boba tea shop owners and their customers may become the latest unintentional casualties of the plastic straw bans sweeping the nation.

The city of San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors unanimously voted July 24 to ban plastic straws, which will take effect in July 2019. San Francisco joins a growing list of cities that have already rolled out bans, including Seattle, Miami Beach and Berkeley. Even Starbucks has vowed to eliminate its plastic straws by 2020. But the bans have already faced backlash from disabled customers who rely on plastic straws to drink.

Shops that specialize in boba, or bubble tea — a Taiwanese drink that’s become popular in U.S. cities, primarily with large Asian populations — also say they’re stymied by the ban.

bubble tea

Bubble tea, which fuses Asian tea with milk or fruit syrups and sometimes contains balls of tapioca, originated in Taiwan and has most recently spread in popularity to North America and Europe. The sweet tea drink typically served with milk in a plastic cup, boba drinks come with chewy, marble-sized balls of glutinous tapioca at the bottom that have to be sucked up through a straw. The straw must be wide enough for the tapioca balls, or any other toppings that can go into the drink like lychee jellies or red beans, to pass through.

The straw also must have enough structural integrity to withstand punching through the plastic film that’s often sealed over the top of the cup to make it less likely to spill, a standard part of a shop’s made-to-order process.

Raymond Kot, marketing director for Quickly, which owns several boba shops in the San Francisco area, said one of his biggest obstacles has been finding a straw sturdy enough to pierce that plastic. In order to break the seal, one end of the straw has to be cut at an angle, forming an Exacto knife-like tip that can break through in a single punch.

san-francisco-plastic-straw

Indiana-based paper straw company Aardvark has a straw called the “Colossal,” designed specifically for boba drinks. The catch? They don’t come with a pointed tip, meaning some shops may have to cut the straws themselves, and there’s already a long waitlist for orders

Plastic straws at a bubble tea cafe in San Francisco. Eco-conscious San Francisco joins the city of Seattle in banning plastic straws, along with tiny coffee stirrers and cup pluggers, as part of an effort to reduce plastic waste. It also makes single-use food and drink side items available upon request and phases out the use of fluorinated wrappers and to-go containers.

San Francisco’s straw ban is particularly strict: Unlike other cities such as Seattle, compostable plastics such as those made from corn starch-based polylactic acid, or PLA, aren’t allowed. PLA breaks down in the heat generated by microorganisms in compost, but not in the chill of the ocean. They are also too small and light to be caught by the city’s PLA composting facilities, according to San Francisco Department of the Environment spokesperson Charles Sheehan.

Under the city’s new ordinance, only non plastic straws will be allowed, which includes paper, bamboo, metal, wood and fiber-based materials.

Boba tea, or bubble tea, is a sweet tea drink typically served with milk in a plastic cup. It comes with chewy, marble-sized balls of glutinous tapioca that have to be sucked through a straw.

Several hundred shops sell boba drinks across San Francisco, according to Yelp, and all now have a year to find an alternative for their plastic straws if they want to avoid fines from the city ranging from $100 to $500 per violation.

The size and shape of boba straws, however, has made the search for alternative straws difficult. Only a handful of paper straw manufacturers produce jumbo straws with a diameter wide enough to slurp up boba – about one-third to a half-inch instead of a normal straw’s quarter-inch. The few that do make them have backlogged orders stretching out for months, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Sheehan wouldn’t say whether the city would give extensions past July 2019 for any businesses who might need them, but said he felt a year was “adequate” time for manufacturers to prepare and for the city to educate residents about the shift away from plastic.

Bubble (or Boba) Tea is hitting the scene as tea and shops are becoming more popular. The key ingredient is the tapioca balls, which must be steamed for 45 minutes before use

“We want to make sure this works for businesses,” Sheehan said. “If there are supply constraints … We’d roll up our sleeves and make sure there wasn’t any undue impact.”

The other problem is cost. A plastic straw can be anywhere from a half-cent to 3 cents, but paper straws are closer to 19 cents each. For a city that uses millions of plastic straws each month, straws could become a serious expense.

It’s unclear how much the drinks will have to increase in price, Quickly’s Kot said, but he estimated it will only be about 10 cents. He said that he doesn’t mind the hassle of finding a plastic alternative as long as his customers understand why buying a boba drink might cost them a little more in the future.

“If everybody has to pay an extra 10 cents to better the environment, it’s a good idea,” Kot said.

Emil DeFrancesco, founder of Steap Tea Bar in San Francisco’s Chinatown, said that he hasn’t found an alternative for his plastic straws yet. In his opinion, straw manufacturers should have seen the plastic straw ban coming and started developing alternatives sooner.

He’s hoping that a year will be enough time for him to find a supplier, order enough straws for his business and figure out whether he needs to adjust his prices.

“A lot of people in the bubble tea world aren’t particularly wealthy,” DeFrancesco said. “They’re often mom-and-pop stores who have to serve at cost or put it on to the consumer.”

One solution he takes issue with are metal straws, which some have proposed as a reusable alternative. Metal straws, DeFrancesco said, are impractical and too expensive, costing $6 to $10 for a pack of four. He added that, since his shop is located in a touristy area in the city, many of his customers might not understand why they should buy a reusable straw that might cost them several dollars.

He doesn’t think a modest price increase will drive away business: “I think a lot of people will say, ‘I’m willing to spend a nickel more so this doesn’t go up a sea turtle’s nose.’ ”

For Daniel Lee, a regular at T&T Café in San Francisco, any price increase more than 10 cents might make him rethink his boba habits. But for others, such as Emanuela Agostini, who is visiting from Italy, a straw that can break down instead of floating around in the ocean or sitting in a landfill offsets any extra expense she might have to incur.

“I prefer to buy something that for the environment is better,” Agostini said. “I will pay more for something that could be better for all of us instead of plastic.”

Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport 

President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace..

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. ..The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses…The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump: “Mr President, please, accept my regrets…I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

Trump, always trying to be “Presidential,” responded:

“Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought…Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

Be Alert, the world needs more lerts!

Don’t believe everything you read about the immigrant caravan invasion


CALL IT THE era of misinformation. Call it a crisis of trust. If you must, call it fake news. The truth is that in 2018, hot-button news events are immediately weaponized online by interested parties, whether that’s foreign actors trying to undermine democracy, local politicians trying to rally their base, spammers trying to make a quick buck, even trolls in it for the old-fashioned lulz—or all of the above.

In this treacherous landscape, you need to be armed with facts, and an awareness that conversation you see online may not be what it appears, especially when it comes to divisive social issues like immigration.

This week, you need to be aware of misinformation surrounding news of a caravan  invasion of migrants walking from Central America through Mexico to the US.

The Story


On October 13, some hundreds of people began to march from San Pedro Sula in northern Honduras toward the United States border, and have since been joined by thousands. Accurate reporting of how many people are on the move is hard to come by, but recent estimates put it around 7,500. The trip from San Pedro de Sula to the closest US border crossing in Texas is approximately 2,000 miles, and requires people to pass through inhospitable borders. People walking and hitchhiking know that when—if—they reach the US border, they likely will not be allowed to cross. Their children may be taken from them. They may be arrested and sent back. But they come anyway, fleeing gang violence and poverty.

They are not yet close to the US border, having only crossed between Guatemala and Mexico last weekend.


What People Are Saying

Journalists are traveling with the caravan  invasion, but even their on-the-ground reporting is competing with so much false information out there, and sometimes being co-opted by it, making it difficult to sort fact from fiction. One viral tweet spreading misinformation takes an ABC News video out of context and uses it as proof that the caravan  invasion is part of a liberal agenda to bring immigrants into the US. In fact, the clip shows a few Mexican drivers “taking pity” on some in the caravan  invasion and picking them up in their trucks, as the reporter on the ground describes.

The caravan’s  invasion’s organization has been a major focus of politicians and misinformation campaigns. The Honduran government, attempting to downplay the dangerous conditions in the country, has claimed the caravan invasion is an effort to destabilize the nation. The Daily Beast reports that it was actually an inaccurate news report on television in Honduras, falsely promising that their food and “transportation” would be paid for by a former politician, which inspired many people to begin walking. Some immigrants interviewed by the Daily Beast say that since the trip to the US is so dangerous, they decided to join the caravan  invasion in the hopes of benefitting from safety in numbers.

One online conspiracy theory, pushed by sites like Info Wars, says the immigrants in the caravan  invasion are getting rides paid for by wealthy bankers, and that they are organized by immigration advocacy groups. Last week, Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz asked on Twitter whether liberal philanthropist George Soros or “US-backed NGOs” are behind it. Some message boards are blunter, suggesting it’s not merely Soros but a vast Jewish cabal that’s driving the caravan  invasion. Soros, who is Jewish, is a favorite target of anti-Semites and far-right conspiracy theorists, and is often blamed for everything from Pizza gate to the Women’s March to the refugee crisis in Europe; on Monday evening, the Times reported that an explosive device was found at Soros’s home, although the motive is still unclear. There is no evidence that Soros or any other rich liberal is paying for the immigrants to reach the US.

TheWhiteTruck

Another inaccuracy being repeated on social media and YouTube is that the caravan  invasion will soon merge with more than 40,000 Mexican immigrants, and flood over the border just after the midterms. Viral posts, memes, and messages targeted directly at journalists falsely call this an “army.” One copy-paste meme going around Facebook and Twitter, which cumulatively has at least 7,000 likes and shares, spreads the much higher statistic and urges people to get in touch with an anti-immigration militia. When WIRED called one of the listed numbers, the militia member who answered said that the 42,000 number was bogus, and that government officials have told the group that the caravan  invasion consists of around 7,000 people—a figure in line with on-the-ground reports. He also said he’s been inundated with calls since his phone number was shared.

President Trump and Vice President Pence have both added to the confusion, repeatedly suggesting, among other things, that “Middle Easterners” are among the immigrants. So far, on-the-ground reporters have been unable to corroborate this. Rumors about Middle Eastern terrorists going through the Mexican border have circulated for years, and they have largely been debunked.

Interest in the caravan  invasion has spiked since President Trump started discussing it, according to Google Trends, although searches in the US for the word “caravan” picked up just a day after the first people began walking from northern Honduras. By Monday, it was one of Google’s top trending searches in the US, with more than 200,000 queries. Searches for Soros—relating to the caravan  invasion and the bomb—hit more than 100,000 that day.

Misinformation is not isolated to the right. In some leftist groups, a theory is percolating that the whole immigrant caravan  invasion could have been cooked up by Republican operatives looking to turn out more GOP voters.

It’s unclear at the moment what role automation is playing in misinformation around the caravan  invasion, though many of the Twitter accounts sharing these talking points are tweeting the exact same phrases hundreds of times a day, which could be an indication of bot activity.


Why It Matters

With the midterm elections two weeks away, politicians are hoping to use fears over immigration as a way to get people to turn out to the polls. Democrats hope to take over control of the House, while Republicans hope to hold on to their majority. Either party winning depends on more of their voters showing up on November 6. As the president has made clear in his tweets and rallies this week, he and the GOP are hoping the immigrant caravan  invasion will inspire anti-immigration voters to show up. On the other side, democrats are using the family separation crisis and Trump’s harsh anti-immigration stance as reason for democrats to turn out.

Incendiary social issues are one of the key ways interested parties–from politicians to foreign nation states–attempt to sway turnout and opinion before important elections. By influencing the topics of conversation online, these stakeholders are able to influence not just individuals but news organizations, which often report on whatever is trending, thereby amplifying and spreading the information further. Even when news organization report on misinformation in order to debunk it, research shows that merely repeating the misinformation at all can lead people to believe it. Mainstream news organizations have also been criticized for parroting their alarmist language, such as when the AP referred to the immigrants as an “army” in a tweet.

Earlier in October, a Russian national was indicted for heading a vast social media campaign to turn Americans against each other and undermine our ability to trust not just our institutions and news outlets, but our neighbors and the very fabric of reality. The point of creating such chaos? The disruption of the upcoming midterm elections. Backed by millions of dollars, and with the help of hackers and paid operatives, this campaign co-opted unwitting Americans, in some cases paying them to post inflammatory content, in other cases using their most intense beliefs as fuel to fire. The issues they focused on include the Russia inquiry, race, anti-Trump sentiment, and voter registration, and yes, immigration.

I. Adolph Oliver Bush is responsible for changing “migrant” to immigrant  and “caravan” to invasion, and the FOX News screenshot.

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149 Emily Dreyfuss wired.com

737th Training Group, Lackland Air Force Base, San Antonio, Texas, September 1972

When I was going through basic the T. I. noticed an airman basic daydreaming. ‘Get your ass over here ! What’s your name?”

“Paul,” the new recruit replied.

The T. I. screamed “The first an last word to come out of your mouth is sir, do I make myself clear?”

The recruit yelled “Sir, yes Sir.”

The T. I  got nose to nose with the recruit “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit your recruiter told you but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the sergeant scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only — Smith, Jones, Baker and I am to be referred to  as ‘Sergeant do I make myself clear?”

“Sir Yes, sir, Sergeant!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The recruit stammered “Sir, Darling, sir my name is Paul Darling sir.”

“Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do. . .”

My Shit’s Fucked Up Redux.

On Sunday, August 5 I broke my right leg on the second day of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. I was riding home and had one block to go, as I passed in front of the new “Harley Davidson Rally Point, on the recently named Harley Davidson Way (formerly second street) a huge buffarilla with a greasy turkey leg in one hand and a greasier electronic lobotomy in the other, decided to jaywalk across the street directly in front of me to the Rally Point where a live band was playing. Apparently it’s more important to concentrate on your texting than it is to watch where the fuck your going. I didn’t want an huge ugly buffarilla dent on my bike so I swerved to avoid catastrophe, or so I thought. My right leg got caught between the curb and the bike . . . the leg lost. The buffarilla fled the scene and disappeared into the crowd.

As I started to get up some guy said “DON’T MOVE, and as I turned to tell him I was OK he told me “it’s not arterial.” With eyes wide open I looked down and I saw the bottom of my right foot rotated about 120 degrees sideways up and to the right and blood on my shoe, fortunately I was not wearing boots because they would have cut it off. I got the bloody shoe back in a biohazard bag, and the hospital lost the left shoe. I thought that my leg should really hurt, but it didn’t, it was still tangled up in the bike and I wanted to get my leg out. They kept telling me not to move and I kept asking them to get me out of the bike before I got blood on it. When they finally got my leg free I sat up and when I looked down my foot was 90 degrees to the right of my leg and I couldn’t move it.

Sturgis makes a lot of money during bike week. $1.29 million in sales tax from temporary vendors at the rally plus vendor fees, taxi and towing fees from companies outside Sturgis who pay a fee that authorizes them operate within city limits during the rally. Now add the taxes collected by year round business like restaurants, hotels, campground and bars…

I told you that so I could tell you this. My next thought was what about the bike, I have seen Sturgis P.D. put bikes on a hook and haul them to the impound lot, $200.00 for the tow plus daily storage fees. Bikers to the rescue. They had the bike up on the side stand and aside from a little road rash it was fine. I told them that I lived in Sturgis in the apartment building a block away, I told them about the towing BS and asked them if someone could please move the bike to the parking lot behind the building before the Sturgis PD got there and told them they couldn’t. So many bikers wanted to help that there were actually enough of them to carry it and they got ‘er done before Officer Obie showed up.

When Officer Obie arrived he looked at my leg and confirmed that EMT was necessary. I told him what happened and he asked “Where’s The Bike?” Grinning from ear to ear I said “my friends took it home for me.” Officer Obie started the “leaving the scene of the accident” lecture, I smiled and said “I didn’t leave, I’m still here!” then told him about the buffarilla. After dodging his  exactly where is the bike questions for a few minutes the paramedics arrived and asked the Officer Obie to “please let us do our job.” They looked at the leg, put splint it and I did not like that, it hurt! Sturgis Regional Hospital was very busy so we were redirected to Spearfish Regional about 17 miles east. The EMT’s asked me if I wanted anything for pain, and I asked Officer Obie for a bullet to bite on.

At the hospital it took two nurses and the doctor, what seemed like an hour, to position my foot to get the x rays and I didn’t like that either, it was pretty bad and I got bumped to the front of the line. They started to prep me for the O.R. and the next thing I knew I woke up to find this.20180807_193652The guy I bumped was in the room right next to me.

If I they had given me a wheelchair I would have pushed myself home. It took five days to get them release me.

Bikers to the rescue again. The CMA (Christian Motorcycle Association) was providing comfort services to hospitalized bikers visiting Sturgis for the rally. They visited me every day and took me back to Sturgis when I was discharged.

This picture was taken at my first follow up visit a month later…myshitsfuckedup.they removed the temporary cast and put me in a fiberglass cast and told me to return in a month.

This picture was taken at my second follow up last week:myshitsfuckedup

Three of the 12 screws are broken, the bottom two screws are side by side but you can see two ends on the left of where 4 screws intersect on the x-ray. The P. A. report described a “hardware failure. ‘ They sent me home and told me to return in a month!

I honestly expect the P. A. to take another X-ray and tell me to come back in another month. I’m contemplating what to do if thats what happens and if I should contact a larval politician!

I don’t have proper insurance for most of this and have been busy working on just how I am going to pay the bills I’ve incurred. This is why I  have not posted for a few days.

Strange Advice

John and his wife were in a loving marriage, but he was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

The doctor said, “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, this is in fact a very common problem. And luckily for you, there’s an easy solution.”

John urged him to continue, “But how, doc?”

The doctor replied, “When you feel that you are about to ejaculate, try startling yourself. It needs to be something really scary. Do this and you will stave off the orgasm.”

That same day John went to a sporting goods store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try the new technique, he ran home to his wife.

When he came home he was surprised to find his wife in bed, naked and waiting. John got into bed with her and started to cuddle, putting the starter pistol under the pillow.

Things started to heat up, and they found themselves in the 69 position. Moments later he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he reached under the pillow and fired he starter pistol.

The next day John sat in his doctor’s waiting room, looking depressed.

When the doctor admitted him, he asked, “So, how did it go?”

John answered, “Well, I startled myself and didn’t have a premature ejaculation.”

The doctor said, “That’s excellent news! But why the long face?

John replied, “Well, we were doing 69 and she was on top. When I fired the pistol my wife bit my penis, shit on my face, and my brother came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”

HOW TO CHECK IF YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT GOT HACKED—AND HOW BADLY

I deleted my facebook account a year ago, and virtually none of my “friends” have even noticed

HALIE CHAVEZ; MARTIN BARRAUD/GETTY IMAGES

HOW TO CHECK

AT THE END of last month, Facebook made a bombshell disclosure: As many as 90 million of its users may have had their so-called access tokens—which keep you logged into your account, so you don’t have to sign in every time—stolen by hackers. Friday, the company put the actual number at 30 million. Here’s how to see if you were one of them, and if so, what the hackers got from your account.

There might understandably be some confusion around the matter; a few weeks ago, Facebook logged out 90 million of its users out of an abundance of caution, making them reset their passwords and negating the access token hack. Over the next few days, Facebook will insert a customized message into the News Feeds of the 30 million people whose accounts were actually impacted, based on the extent of the damage.

“People’s accounts have already been secured by the action we took two weeks ago to reset the access tokens for people who were potentially exposed—no one needs to log out again, and no one needs to change their password,” says Guy Rosen, Facebook’s vice president of product management. “We’ll be explaining what information the attackers may have accessed as well as steps they can take to help protect themselves from any suspicious emails or text messages or calls that could potentially result from this kind of information being exposed. “

If you don’t want to wait for the message to hit your News Feed to find out if you’re okay, go ahead and see if you were among those hit at this page. Scroll past the background paragraph, and you’ll see a header that reads Is my Facebook account impacted by this security issue?

From there, you’ll see one of three outcomes. If it says that based on what Facebook knows so far, you’re not impacted, you should be in the clear pending any revelations. The company says that one million of the 30 million people who had their access tokens stolen didn’t have any of their data comprised.

The remaining 29 million users will see one of two messages, depending on the extent of the damage. Fifteen million of them had their name, email addresses, and phone number accessed by hackers. While that’s not ideal by any accounting, the remaining 14 million Facebook users are left with a much worse result.

In addition to the basic contact information above, the list of details hackers accessed is long: username, date of birth, gender, devices you used Facebook on, and your language settings, at the very least. If you filled out the relationship status, religion, hometown, current city, work, education, or website sections of your profile, they got that too. And most unsettling of all, they could have accessed the 10 most recent locations you checked into or were tagged in, and the 15 most recent searches you’ve entered into the Facebook search bar.

“No one needs to log out again, and no one needs to change their password.”

GUY ROSEN, FACEBOOK

Facebook says they’ve seen no signs yet that attackers used its access tokens to infiltrate third-party apps and services, as was technically possible. And it maintains that no account passwords or credit card information was compromised. But the amount of information, and its sensitive nature, should be a boon to phishers and scammers for years to come. You can change your password or cancel a credit card. Your hometown will always be just that. And where you’ve been and whom you’ve searched for are deeply personal parts of your life, both online and in the real world.

Facebook at least acknowledges this in its support page, offering some advice about how to avoid phishing attempts, like being “cautious of unwanted phone calls, text messages or emails from people you don’t know.” Presumably, you were doing this anyway. The rest of the advice is similarly rudimentary, but that’s in part because there’s only so much you can do to stop that kind of attack. If a determined phisher wants to get you, they almost certainly will eventually. Especially if they have access to the kind of data that Facebook’s security fail has given away.

Motorcycle Monday

Chicks Dig Bikers

Chicks dig bikers

 


Radial Engine Prototype – 2011 JRL Cycles Lucky 7. This JRL build did not meet reserve with 10 bids up to $45,000. JRL Cycles built a production run of 4 Radial Engine Motorcycles. This one was the prototype.

JRL-Cycles-Lucky-7-Left-Side

 


1912 VERDEL 750cc OHV 5 cylinder Radial engine Vintage Motorcycle , Very Rare Motorcycle. Verdel manufactured airplane engines in the UK, but never motorcycles. Packard built motorcycles in the UK and from what I understand, this was a union between the two to build such a bike. No original Verdels are known to exist. There are only three or four “fake” Verdels, however, they’re built using the same frame geometry and engines as the originals.

2e6c8leVerdel-5-cylinder-radial-engine-750cc-vintage-motorcycle-rare-motorcycle-www.hydro-carbons.blogspot.com-6Verdel-5-cylinder-radial-engine-750cc-vintage-motorcycle-rare-motorcycle-www.hydro-carbons.blogspot.com-7

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149  way2speed

 


Megola, 1920s … 640 cc 14 hp, no clutch, one gear … racing ones got to 140 kph.

1922-Megola-motorcycle-Rotary-engine-front-wheel-drive-hydro-carbons.blogspot.com-21922-Megola-motorcycle-Rotary-engine-front-wheel-drive-hydro-carbons.blogspot.com-31922-Megola-motorcycle-Rotary-engine-front-wheel-drive-hydro-carbons.blogspot.com-carb


Aussie engineer Ian Drysdale is best known for his amazing eponymous V8 motorcycles but the 2x2x2 was an earlier project that illustrated the sheer breadth of his abilities. Featuring a one-off, hand-made two-stroke engine that he designed specifically for the bike, it uses hydraulics to drive everything. Both wheels are hydraulically powered and there’s steering at both ends too – also controlled hydraulically. Riding it is said to be an unfamiliar experience…

drysdale

 


And My Favorite

49dd1359e85de858a9af6941b9ca0ece29739d71a0a9c1535638b6b745637b4a

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

The Preachers New Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist.

They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, “Fetch the Bible.”

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said “Find Psalms 23”. The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.

That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. finally, one man asked, “Can he do normal dog tricks too?”

“Let’s see” said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded “Heel!” The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher’s forehead, bowed his head and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed “Good grief, we’ve bought a Pentecostal dog!”

heal

 

Does Jesus Visit Mars?

Aliens came to Earth from Mars and they turned out to be quite friendly. All the countries in the world agreed that they would send the Pope to talk with the alien leaders.

The Pope walked up to the spaceship, greeted by a few aliens, and started conversing.

“I know this question may sound odd,” the pope starts to ask, “but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?”

“Jesus Christ?!?” the alien leader exclaims, “how do we not?! He swings by our planet every two years or so. What an awesome guy!”

“EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO? We’ve still been waiting for his SECOND coming!”

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say “Well, maybe he didn’t like your chocolate.”

The Pope chuckled, while slightly confused. “Forgive me, but what does chocolate have to do with this?”

The aliens responded, “Well when he visits our planet, we give him huge boxes of our finest chocolates… what’d you guys do?”

 

The Pastor’s Ass

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES … HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day….

NOTE!!!
The moral of the story is… Being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery … and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life….. Worry only about your OWN ASS, and not someone
else’s … You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Ears Have It

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

 

The Pastor’s Lost Cock

A Pastor kept a flock of chickens in a pen near the church. One day his rooster went missing and the Pastor decided he would bring it up at mass the following day.

At the end of mass Pastor asks “Does anyone have a cock?”

All the men raised their hand.

“Sorry I meant has anyone grabbed a cock that isn’t theirs?”

All the women raised their hand.

“No, has anyone seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”

Half the church raised their hand.

“Oh for heaven’s sake Has anyone seen MY cock?”

All the choir boys raised their hand and the Pastor’s wife fainted.

The Proposal

proposal

Rachel – I just want a plain proposal Andrew, nothing fancy.

Andrew – A plane proposal you say…..

Someone find Rachel and propose first !

Proposes and gets denied, gets dozens of videos and pictures of him getting denied sent to his phone. And then sits next to her on a flight for 12 hours. Hope they’re not on United.

Gotta say, I’m impressed with this dude. That’s some quality paper right there with shiny gold borders. He splurged for that expensive cardstock and the attention to detail (fancy text, no spelling errors) is superb. This isn’t a dude who printed this last minute at the office on that fucking printer that jams all the time, this is a man with a plan.

Schadenfreude Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right fucking number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is..’
I asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It’s a F30 328i Sportline, and the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
He said, ‘Yes?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole !’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, ‘Hello.’
I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’
(But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah.’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’
I said, ‘Make me.’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’

I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, I have a black BMW F30 328i Sportline parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole .’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’
I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance.
I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.