Big Ol’ Johnson Encore
Some Reading Music
Bobby was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. “What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bobby asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA.”
Bobby replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck…”
Three old servicemen were waiting in the veteran’s affairs office to apply for a lump-sum bonus to which they had been entitled.
The V.A. officer came in and addressed them all.
“Gentlemen, the V.A. has decided that all bonuses will be given commensurate with physical measurements taken from the applicant.To be fair however, the applicant gets to decide the measurement used.”
The first man, a sailor stand up and says. “I want my measurment to be from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.”
The V.A. officer takes a tape measure and measures this distance, and announces, “Five foot eleven..your bonus will be five thousand, one hundred and ten dollars.”
The second man, a pilot in the USAF stand up and says, ” I want to be measured from the tips of my outstretched arms.”
The V.A. officer measures this and announces, “Six feet, two inches..your bonus will be six thousand, two hundred dollars.”
The third man, and old Marine Gunny stands up and says “You can measure me from the tip of my cock to my balls.”
The V.A. man is confused and says “Are you sure that’s the measurment you want to use?”
“Damn straight” says the grizzled old Marine, and drops his drawers.
The V.A. officer kneels before him and places the end of the tape measure on the tip of the soldier’s penis and extends it downward until he reached where the man’s testicles would have been.”
“Where are your balls?” the V.A. man asks.
“Vietnam” says the Marine.
A little song while you look at The Big Johnsons.
I have one of these on the dashboard of my van.
Do you know why nobody has ever overdosed on marijuana? Because if you laid out 100 joints and a lighter, and told someone to try and smoke all of them, by the 4th joint they’ve already lost the lighter ordered a pizza cuddled with their dog and fell asleep
The preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Preacher there has been a terrible misunderstanding, I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.” The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
By GORDON ATHELTESFOOT
A parody about the treachery of the Clintons throughout the years and their ultimate political demise at the hands of Donald Trump. Sung to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald”.
She called the record store after hearing the song to get the name of the record company and she asked, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The man who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”
The man replied, “No, its about average!”