Police Report

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Sturgis police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try texting you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m composing this text there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in the churchyard, Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the dumpster. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy.

I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the propane bottle that is lying on its side between the two dumpsters. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to give them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this – after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

I Adolph Oliver Bush

 

Mr Bush

I have read your text and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
Officer Obie
Sturgis P. D.

 

Dear Office Obie

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original text.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Sturgis P. D. Rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Sturgis , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

Whilst I realize that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Sturgis, such as smoking in a public place, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these retards that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The field on Ballpark Road , or the one at Ft. Meade are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of Bear Butte Lake, the latter being the preferred option especially after a heavy rain.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me at BR 549 If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the The Knuckle.

Regards
I. Adolph Oliver Bush

P.S. If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

 

Question for SJW BLM & Antifa

irishslaves

Before the transatlantic slave trade there was the Barbary slave trade. Where Arabs enslaved many European whites and it was much more brutal than the transatlantic slave trade. It’s almost a joke how msm, black lives matter, Antifa, feminists all pander to the most extreme side of Islam. And if they let them have their way they would kill them Or they would lose their rights becoming slaves!

Now that I have stopped watching tv it’s really easy to see how msn radicalize the alt left or right for that matter. When will the people wake up to their lies.!!!!
It’s called programming for a reason

Question for sjw or black lives matter or Antifa now that the statues are down how has your life improved. I got time……

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149 Chief Nose Wetter

Mosques in America

I am truly perplexed that so many Americans are against another mosque being built in the United States. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy,” and the other a nude bar called “You Mecca Me Hot.”

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs.” Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge,” its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.” All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.”

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on and if you are not laughing or smiling at this point… It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!!

The Pussy Tree

Once upon a time there was this man who found a super special vagina seed. He planted this seed and twenty years later he was growing an orchard of the nicest pussy trees in the land. People would come from far and wide to see such a magnificent sight. He had many years of peace and prosperity. Every year the man got a little older, until one day he decided that he could no longer take care of his orchard. He finally decided to let his daughter take over the beautiful vagina orchard. The man gave her only one condition ” Never use this beautiful orchard for greed. It is for people to enjoy”.

The next day the old man died and the daughter took over the orchard. It was not long before she started to see the money to be made at the orchard. She brought in a group of specialists to tell her how to get the best bang for her buck. She put in a parking garage, a restaurant, and a vagina gift shop. So much money was coming in, She was soon the richest woman in the land, but something started to happen to the pretty trees. The trees started to shrivel and the vaginas started to stink. Slowly but surely the pussys turned into turds. People no longer wanted to come to the orchard just to see a mound of smelly shit dripping off the trees. Finally the daughter went bankrupt and had to sell her father’s once beautiful orchard.

Which brings me to the moral of the story;

If you let a greedy cunt run your cunt tree, your cunt tree is going to turn to shit.

Net Neutrality My Ass!

On December 14, a five member panel of unelected bureaucrats called the FCC voted 3 to 2 to seize control of the internet for the Federal government, without so much as a “by your leave” to the Congress. It’s not like your Congressman or Senator did this, these were three UNELECTED political appointees, all DEMOCRATS, which I think is worthy of mention, and they just decided that they have the power to regulate what you say and what you view on the internet, without asking you what YOU think about that. They came up with a big fat Rule Book For The Internet that they would not show to the public before the vote, and now that they have deemed they have the authority to do this and voted to institute their new Rule Book For The Internet, they STILL won’t show the public their new Rule Book For The Internet.
 
How is that not a Big Fucking Deal for you? THREE PEOPLE you never heard of and certainly never voted for just took over control of the internet for the government, and they are not showing the public what the new rules will be. Does that mean websites will have to get a government “license”, like radio stations? And will they have a list of bad things they can’t say, or they will be fined and maybe even LOSE their license? Nobody knows, because they will not show the public the rules they are creating.
 
What if you call some dude in your facebook page a faggot, and you get a $25 ticket, deducted from your debit card or your ApplePay or your Paypal or your Netflix account? Will you need a “user’s permit”, or a government assigned ID that tracks your every website and keystroke, because terrorism, or something…? Can they suspend your access if you are deemed to be an insensitive homophobe or racist, or even BAN you from the internet? Nobody knows, because they will not show the public the rules they are creating.
 
And the attitude of most Americans “Whatever… as long as my NetFlix is streamin’ good, and I can play Call of Duty without any lag, I’m chill…”[1]
 
Top 10 Countries that control internet access.
 
1. North Korea. All websites are under government control. About 4% of the population has Internet.
 
2. Burma. Authorities filter emails and block access to sites of groups that expose human rights violations or disagree with the government.
 
3. Cuba. Internet available only at government controlled “access points.” Activity online is monitored through IP blocking, keyword filtering and browsing history checking. Only pro-government users may upload content.
 
4. Saudi Arabia. Around 400,000 sites have been blocked, including any that discuss political, social or religious topics incompatible with the Islamic beliefs of the monarchy.
 
5. Iran. Bloggers must register at the Ministry of Art and Culture. Those that express opposition to the mullahs who run the country are harassed and jailed.
 
7. Syria. Bloggers who “jeopardize national unity” are arrested. Cybercafes must ask all customers for identification, record time of use and report the information to authorities.
 
8. Tunisia. Tunisian Internet service providers must report to the government the IP addresses and personal information of all bloggers. All traffic goes through a central network. The government filters all content uploaded and monitors emails.
 
9. Vietnam. The Communist Party requires Yahoo, Google and Microsoft to divulge data on all bloggers who use their platforms. It blocks websites critical of the government, as well as those that advocate for democracy, human rights and religious freedom.
 
10. Turkmenistan. The only Internet service provider is the government. It blocks access to many sites and monitors all email accounts in Gmail, Yahoo and Hotmail.[2]
 
[1]Taxicab Depressions, [2]USA Today
Featured

Truth in Dark Times

Semargl

During the dark times in your life you will find out who is really there for you, who loves you and who doesn’t. You will find out who will go to bat for you, and who likes you for what you are, and not what you have. You will find out who you can trust and who you can’t trust. You will find out who talks trash and who will tell you the truth even though you may not like it.

Dark times put you in check and will allow you to see who is fake and who is real. This is good because you can identify those who you should not waste your energy on and not let them rent space in your head.

No matter how laid back and cool you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you for no reason, its life. We’re all ugly to someone, fake to someone, stuck-up to someone, ain’t shit to someone, a loser to someone, a bitch to someone but who cares.

Make your money, pay your bills, and take care of your family! Hating on me won’t stop my ATM card from working. Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring and don’t worry about what someone else thinks, if they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal. Nobody can steal my joy, because they didn’t give it to me.

Life is like toilet paper, either you’re on a roll, or you’re taking shit from some asshole.