How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong…

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
 
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Why is Tonya so popular? She’s a striking woman.

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Why did Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding sing the National Anthem at the Olympics? They have a good set of pipes.

What do you get if you cross Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tonya Harding? A killer orgasm that makes your knees buckle.

What is Tonya Harding’s favorite book? Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.

What’s Tonya’s favorite movie? Dirty Ice Dancing.

HatTipcanstockphoto53073149 Woodsterman

 

Obituary

Nike (1964- 2018) dies of Colin cancer.

Before Colin Kaepernick and “Just Do It,” there was Gary Gilmore and “Let’s Do It.”

In a plain T-shirt with a bag over his head, Gilmore was strapped into a chair, waiting for a firing squad to execute him at Utah State Prison. It was the morning of Jan. 17, 1977, and Gilmore, convicted of murdering a gas station employee and motel manager in Utah the year before, was to become the first person in the United States to be executed in nearly a decade. The author Norman Mailer wrote in his 1979 Pulitzer Prize-winning novel “The Executioner’s Song that shortly before his execution the 36-year-old Gilmore was asked if he had any last words.

“Let’s do it,” Gilmore reportedly said. As The Washington Post reported at the time, Gilmore did not flinch when he was executed.

The story of Gilmore has been long forgotten by most. But his final words live on in a manner no one would have imagined.

I found it here…

Featured

Truth in Dark Times

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During the dark times in your life you will find out who is really there for you, who loves you and who doesn’t. You will find out who will go to bat for you, and who likes you for what you are, and not what you have. You will find out who you can trust and who you can’t trust. You will find out who talks trash and who will tell you the truth even though you may not like it.

Dark times put you in check and will allow you to see who is fake and who is real. This is good because you can identify those who you should not waste your energy on and not let them rent space in your head.

No matter how laid back and cool you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you for no reason, its life. We’re all ugly to someone, fake to someone, stuck-up to someone, ain’t shit to someone, a loser to someone, a bitch to someone but who cares.

Make your money, pay your bills, and take care of your family! Hating on me won’t stop my ATM card from working. Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring and don’t worry about what someone else thinks, if they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal. Nobody can steal my joy, because they didn’t give it to me.

Life is like toilet paper, either you’re on a roll, or you’re taking shit from some asshole.

An Open Letter to the NFL Players

Dear NFL Player,

“You graduated high school in 2011. Your teenage years were a struggle. You grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Your mother was the leader of the family and worked tirelessly to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate. Academics were a struggle for you and your grades were mediocre at best. The only thing that made you stand out is you weighed 225 lbs and could run 40 yards in 4.2 seconds while carrying a football. Your best friend was just like you, except he didn’t play football. Instead of going to football practice after school, he went to work at McDonalds for minimum wage.You were recruited by all the big colleges and spent every weekend of your senior year making visits to universities where coaches and boosters tried to convince you their school was best. They laid out the red carpet for you. Your best friend worked double shifts at Mickey D’s. College was not an option for him. On the day you signed with Big State University, your best friend signed paperwork with his Army recruiter. You went to summer workouts. He went to basic training.

You spent the next four years living in the athletic dorm, eating at the training table. You spent your Saturdays on the football field, cheered on by adoring fans. Tutors attended to your every academic need. You attended class when you felt like it. Sure, you worked hard. You lifted weights, ran sprints, studied plays, and soon became one of the top football players in the country.

Your best friend was assigned to the 101st Airborne Division. While you were in college, he deployed to Iraq once and Afghanistan twice. He became a Sergeant and led a squad of 19 year old soldiers who grew up just like he did. He shed his blood in Afghanistan and watched young American men give their lives, limbs, and innocence for the USA.

You went to the NFL combine and scored off the charts. Your hired an agent and waited for draft day. You were drafted in the first round and your agent immediately went to work, ensuring that you received the most money possible. You signed for $16 million although you had never played a single down of professional football. Your best friend re-enlisted in the Army for four more years. As a combat tested sergeant, he will be paid $32,000 per year.

You will drive a Ferrari on the streets of South Beach. He will ride in the back of a Blackhawk helicopter with 10 other combat loaded soldiers. You will sleep at the Ritz. He will dig a hole in the ground and try to sleep. You will “make it rain” in the club. He will pray for rain as the temperature reaches 120 degrees.

On Sunday, you will run into a stadium as tens of thousands of fans cheer and yell your name. For your best friend, there is little difference between Sunday and any other day of the week. There are no adoring fans. There are only people trying to kill him and his soldiers. Every now and then, he and his soldiers leave the front lines and “go to the rear” to rest. He might be lucky enough to catch an NFL game on TV. When the National Anthem plays and you take a knee, he will jump to his feet and salute the television. While you protest the unfairness of life in the United States, he will give thanks to God that he has the honor of defending his great country.

To the players of the NFL: We are the people who buy your tickets, watch you on TV, and wear your jerseys. We anxiously wait for Sundays so we can cheer for you and marvel at your athleticism.

Although we love to watch you play, we care little about your opinions until you offend us. You have the absolute right to express yourselves, but we have the absolute right to boycott you. We have tolerated your drug use and DUIs, your domestic violence, and your vulgar displays of wealth. We should be ashamed for putting our admiration of your physical skills before what is morally right. But now you have gone too far. You have insulted our flag, our country, our soldiers, our police officers, and our veterans. You are living the American dream, yet you disparage our great country.

I’m done with NFL football and encourage all like minded Americans to boycott the NFL.”

Author Unknown,

I Didn’t Take a Knee

When my president lied to me and claimed 4 of my comrades were murdered because of a video insulting Muslims…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president shipped pallets of cash to my sworn enemy…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president failed to identify Muslims as terrorists and Islam as an enemy of the state…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president claimed that a man who tried to kill another man who lawfully defended himself could be his son…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president defended a thug who bum rushed law enforcement…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president ordered businesses to spend unnecessary funds to appease a minority of people who need mental intervention far more than they need their own toilet…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president ordered that words ‘one nation under God’ be removed from the pledge of allegiance…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president lied to me and said I could keep my doctors and my premiums would go down…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president spent my tax dollars in foreign lands to interfere in their elections…I didn’t take a knee.

While my president sat by passively and enabled ISIS to emerge as a stronger force dedicated to spreading Islamic ideals by committing murder, rape and torture…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president allowed dictators and murderers to violate his red lines and continue to murder women and children with chemical gas…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president chastised law enforcement for their actions but ignored the violence in our streets…I didn’t take a knee.

When my president identified the weather as the greatest threat to America’s safety while Muslims worldwide are murdering innocent people…I didn’t take a knee.

While my president’s insistence that pacifism and reform in numerous areas of the globe would bring peace but instead led to the strengthening of those that seek to destroy us…I didn’t take a knee.

When the election of my president broke barriers never thought possible in America ended up being the high point of his eight years in office…I didn’t take a knee.

In all that time I never disrespected our Country, our Armed Forces and Veterans, or our Nation. I remained vigilant. And I got a new president.

SURVIVE