A big game hunter walked into the hunting lodge and was bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. He claimed that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them the caliber.
The other patrons thought he was blowing smoke and decided to make a bet… if he won they would buy him a drink, if he lost he owed the whole bar a round. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he woke up with a headache and a black eye. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus yet.”
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus yet.”
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
A man walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the man no. The man thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the man returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The man thanks him and leaves.
This goes on for almost a week, the man returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, man! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your hands to the bar!”
The man is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”
Confused, the bartender says no.
“Good!” says the man. “Got any grapes?”