A Woman from San Francisco 

 

A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat snowflake and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Placerville. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

 

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.

 

Bazooka

During a flight, an Air force  pilot was going on vacation was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Ma’am, that’s a good looking baby … and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true military fashion exclaimed, “And to think all these years, I’ve been chewing bubblegum.”

Bazooka Gum

Bazooka Joe

Lost in Them There Woods

There was a news man that was having a dry run so he decided to go out in to the hills and find an old heart touching country story.

So he proceed to drive way back into the woods down a long gravel road and saw an old farm house in the distance.

He pulled into the drive and walked to the house and there was a white bearded old man sitting there chewing on a twig.

The Reporter asked if the old man had a story he could share that was close to his heart about these hills.

The old man said sure. It was about 1 month ago that old man Jenkins lost his favorite hunting dog in them woods, so they formed a posse, they found the dog, they raped the dog and then they came home.

The Reporter was shocked about the story he just heard, He said, I cannot write about that, that is nasty and vile. Please tell me something better than that.

Well the old man thought for a min and said.

It was about 2 weeks ago and old man Price lost his wife out there in them woods, so we formed a posse, found her. Raped her and brought her home.

The reporter mad at this point said that is WRONG SIR!!!

I need something close to your heart that means something to you old timer.

With a tears in the old mans eyes he looks at the reporter and says….

Well Last Weekend I got Lost in them woods……….

Viva Las Vegas

Piss Off


 

Three men decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second says, “I know what you mean, my friend…my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The last says says, “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there… every morning, I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”

Do It Yourself Time Travel

How to make an infinite energy generator by creating a warp in the space time continuum with a slice of buttered toast and a cat.

 


 

oreilly-auto-parts-logo-vector

EB Enterprises – Flux Capacitor

Part # 121G
Line: EB
Details

Product Information

  • Gigawatts: : 1.21
  • Material Compatibility: : Plutonium
  • Working Speed (mph): : 88 mph
  • Maximum Power: : 1.21 Gigawatts

Applications for this product

  • Detailed Description

    Time Travel at your own RISK!!!

  • Plutonium is required to properly operate Flux Capacitor.
    • Plutonium is used by the on-board nuclear reactor which then powers the Flux Capacitor to provide the needed 1.21 Gigawatts of Electrical Power.
    • Plutonium not Available at O’Reilly Auto Parts. Please contact your local supplier.
  • Flux Capacitor requires the stainless steel body of the 81-83 DeLorean DMC-12, V6 2.9L , to properly function.

Once the time machine travels at 88 mph (142 km/h), light coming from the flux capacitor pulses faster until it becomes a steady stream of light. Then, time travel begins.

Upgrade Kits available: Part # 121GMF

FluxCapacitor

Don’t believe it? Go to O’Reilly Auto Parts and search for Part # 121GMF

 

Divorce Decree

22 Points in our Divorce Agreement from liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, Clinton and Obama supporters, et. al.: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process and what has been found out since, has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is our separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens the peaceniks and war protesters.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks.
–We’ll keep Bill O’ Reilly and Bibles, and give you NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Hollywood .
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U..N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
And finally since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name our pledge of allegiance, our flag and our national anthem.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.

If you can’t stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them!

 

Bernie Sanders Jokes About Topless Protester At Rally

Bernie Sanders joked about a topless protester who had messages written on her body during a radio interview on Tuesday.

Sanders joked that he “was trying very hard to get every detail” of her … on the Arizona radio station KTARafter the show’s host asked if he … No,” he said. … Good. That’s what a reporter should do.” Sanders quickly segued … “No, just kidding,” Sanders said to big laughs, continuing, “No, actually I was trying to focus on a couple of other things.”

Trump eases student loan forgiveness for disabled veterans

President Donald Trump on Wednesday directed the Education Department to more easily forgive the federal student loans owed by veterans with disabilities, making a move Education Secretary Betsy DeVos had resisted for months.

Veterans and other student loan borrowers who are “totally and permanently” disabled are entitled under existing law to have their federal student loans canceled by the Education Department. But they previously had to fill out paperwork to have their loans discharged — a bureaucratic obstacle that veterans’ advocates slammed as too burdensome for many severely disabled veterans.

Trump said he was “taking executive action to ensure that our wounded warriors are not saddled with mountains of student debt,” vowing to “eliminate every penny of federal student loan debt owed by American veterans who are completely and permanently disabled.”

“The debt of these disabled veterans will be entirely erased,” Trump said during remarks at a veterans convention in Louisville, Ky. “It will be gone.”

The move will wipe out “hundreds of millions” in student loan debt owed by more than 25,000 disabled veterans, Trump said. The average amount forgiven would be about $30,000, he said.


The last one gave us men in the women’s bathroom

Obama jointly used his departments of Justice and Education to declare that all learning institutions that take federal funds — from kindergarten through graduate school — must allow students to enjoy the lavatories, locker rooms, showers, other facilities, and sports teams that correspond not to their objective genitalia but to their subjective “gender identity.” According to the DOJ and the DOE: “Gender identify refers to an individual’s internal sense of gender. A person’s gender identity may be different from or the same as the person’s sex defined at birth.”


 

You Decide.

Three Mice

Three mice are in a bar bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “when I see mouse bait, I like to put a pinch between my cheek and gum and get a good high for the day”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.

Second mouse says, “when I see a mousetrap, I take the cheese, catch the bar in my teeth and do twenty reps with the bar”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.

The third mouse drinks his drink, puts the glass on the counter and says “I don’t have time for this shit, I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

Liberal / Conservative / Southerner

Scenario: You’re in your own home with your wife and newborn baby. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife kicks in the door, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? 

bad man.png

Liberal Answer:

Whats a 45? Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the baby? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Gun have appropriate safety built into it? Why do I have a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading).

good man.png

Wife: “Nice grouping, Honey! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

Russian Emergency

Russian President Putin called President Donald Trump with an emergency. “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “It’s my people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!” 

“Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.

“I do need your help” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it,”said Trump.

“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin.

“Yes?”

“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Putin.

“No problem,” replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

Donald hung up and called the President of a condom company. “I need a favor. You’ve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the president of the condom company.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL’ on each one!”

durexx

777 vs 666

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.


As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”. The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.

 


 

666.png

 

FBI CLINTON FOUNDATION INVESTIGATOR SAL CINCINELLI DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE IN TEXAS

This is very odd. Shooting yourself on a dance floor during a night out. Very strange indeed.

Odd… According to reports FBI agents on site and police instructed witnesses to delete any video and photographs of the event and cleared out the bar. Austin PD was ordered  not to release any details to media and witnesses were told to ‘stay offline’ & ‘keep quiet’ Strange, they have to assemble the “facts” of the story before they report it to the MSM.

At what point is it no longer a coincidence… about 30 “suicides” ago

The 2019 Updated Listing Of The Clinton Dead Pool:

Below is a comprehensive list of 56 mysterious deaths and 2 near-deaths connected to the Clintons that have grave implications:

James McDougal – Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation
Mary Mahoney – A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
Vince Foster – Former white House counselor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
Ron Brown – Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors.
C. Victor Raiser II and Montgomery Raiser, Major players in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
Paul Tulley – Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992… Described by Clinton as a “Dear friend and trusted adviser.”
Ed Willey – Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
Jerry Parks – Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
James Bunch – Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
James Wilson – Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
Kathy Ferguson, ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
Bill Shelton – Arkansas State Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fiancee.
Gandy Baugh – Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
Florence Martin – Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.
Suzanne Cole[B]man[/B] – Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
Paula Grober – Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
Danny Casolaro – Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.
Paul Wilcher – Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno three weeks before his death.
Jon Parnell Walker – Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guarantee scandal.
Barbara Wise – Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.
Charles Meissner – Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.
Dr. Stanley Heard – Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee, died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton’s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother.
Barry Seal – Drug running pilot out of Mena, Arkansas, death was no accident.
Johnny Lawhorn Jr. – Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.
Stanley Huggins – Investigated Madison Guarantee. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.
Hershell Friday – Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.
Kevin Ives and Don Henry – Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the two boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.
Keith Coney – Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, July 1988
Keith McM askle – Died stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988
Gregory Collins – Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
Jeff Rhodes – He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.
James Milan – Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to “natural causes.”
Jordan Kettleson – Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.
Richard Winters – A suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. He was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.
Major William S. Barkley Jr. – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Captain Scott J. Reynolds – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Sgt. Brian Hanley – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Sgt. Tim Sabel – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Major General William Robertson – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Col. William Densberger – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Col. Robert Kelly – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Spec. Gary Rhodes – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Steve Willis – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Robert Williams – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Conway LeBleu – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
Todd McKeehan – DECEASED former Clinton Bodyguard
John F. Kennedy Jr. – July 16, 1999 JFK Jr. and his wife went down in a still-unresolved and very mysterious plane crash. John was the frontrunner for the NY State Senate seat that ultimately went to…wait for it…Hillary Clinton.
Molly Macauly – World-renowned “space economist” Molly Macauly was brutally murdered in Baltimore park.
John Ashe– The former President of the UN General Assembly was awaiting trial on bribery charges when he turned up dead in June, apparently having crushed his own windpipe while lifting weights in his home.
Victor Thorn -Prominent CLINTON Critic VICTOR THORN Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide On His Birthday
Seth Rich – Still No Clues in Murder of DNC’s Seth Rich, As Conspiracy Theories Thicken
Joe Montano – Filipino American activist and aide to Sen. Kaine, dies at 47
Shawn Lucas – Death of DNC Lawsuit Processor Shawn Lucas Adds to Seth Rich Conspiracy Theories
Klaus Eberwein – Found Dead Before Testifying Against Clinton Foundation in HAITI COVERUP
Peter W. Smith – Man who sought Clinton’s emails from Russian hackers committed suicide
Professor Alan Krueger – Now why would a man who was excited about the upcoming release of his new book suddenly decide to suicide himself? Maybe he looked at his resume and realized he used to work for the Clintons.
HONORABLE MENTION: Jack Burkman investigated the suspicious surroundings of the murder of Seth Rich, and was shot several times but lived. Because of that he absolutely makes the list.
HONORABLE MENTION: Huma Abedin received an honorary listing here because she was smart enough to take 10,000 incriminating emails from Crooked Hillary, and store them in a folder on her laptop. What was the name of that folder? She called it ‘Life Insurance‘, and indeed it was.